Sorry, Boss, But I’m Still Processing the Ariana Grande/Pete Davidson Breakup

Hey, Evelyn. It’s Joe.

Uh, not too well, actually. Which is why I called in.

Yeah, you guessed it. I’m not, uh… I’m not going to be able to make it into the office today. Sorry.

I know, I know. I realize it’s been crazy this week down there. Lotta deadlines looming this Friday. Lotta projects due. And, believe me, I’d like to be down there with you, pitching in. There’s nothing I’d rather be doing in this world than manually coding all those thousands of barcodes from those insurance forms. But I just… can’t. Not yet.

Yeah, I’m still upset over the same thing as yesterday and the day before.

Well, I guess the news hit me a little harder than I had expected. I have just been ugly crying and mainlining Häagen-Dazs for the past 48 hours. Trust me, you wouldn’t want me doing that in the office. Think of how distracting that would be. Loud sobs from a grown man coming from the next cubicle over. Sticky handprints all over the common areas. It would be a total disaster. Nothing would get accomplished.

So in a way, I’m actually increasing productivity by not being there today.

No. No, I didn’t know either of them personally. I knew them through their work. Well, his work. You know, on SNL. The “Chad the Pool Boy” sketches. I’m not really into current pop music, so I’m not too familiar with her songs. Didn’t she sing at the Super Bowl or something? Maybe it was the Grammys. I’ve definitely seen her somewhere. I’ve heard she’s very popular. I think she had a show on, like, the Disney Channel or something. I remember her wearing cat ears. Maybe that’s someone else.

Right, right. I’m rambling.

What I’m saying is that I had a lot invested in Pete and Ariana’s relationship. I mean, they showed us that there’s hope for all of us, you know? That love can survive, even thrive, in spite of everything. She’s this lady who sings on TV sometimes, and he’s this kind of skinny, gawky weedhead who giggles during comedy sketches. You wouldn’t think they had anything in common. And yet, they were engaged. I’m like 99% sure she even wrote a song about him.

No, I haven’t heard it. I’m sure you can YouTube it if you’re interested.

Don’t you see, Evelyn? Pete Davenport and Ariana Grande represented more than just another randomly-paired-up celebrity couple with all the staying power of milk. They meant hope to the hopeless, love to the loveless, joy to…

Oh, right. Davidson. Pete Davidson. What did I say? Well, that just goes to show you how messed up I am right now. I mean, right there, Evelyn, is a snapshot of my current mental condition. Would you want that guy keying your barcodes for you? I didn’t think so.

So anyway, getting back to the point, I’m not going to be able to make it in today. You’re right, Evelyn. People usually do make these kinds of calls early in the morning before the work day begins. And it’s currently… oh, geez. It’s two in the afternoon. Boy, the time is really getting away from me lately. It’s the sadness, Evelyn. The post-breakup sadness.

Return? Me? Well, that’s a good question. Probably not tomorrow either. Still pretty disoriented. Shouldn’t be driving. Uh, tell me, is this Friday going to be a Donut Friday or a Bagel Friday in the break room?

Uh huh. And what kind of donuts, specifically? Fresh or….?

Uh huh. Well, Friday is looking like a real possibility, Evelyn. A strong possibility. I only hope that nothing happens between Nicole Kidman and Trace Adkins in the next couple of days.I am incredibly emotionally invested in…

Oh, right. Of course, Keith Urban. What did I say? I’m telling you, Evelyn, I’m a mess.

See you Friday. Hopefully. And save me a cruller either way.

Best. Boss. Ever.

Bye.