Unexpected Twists During ABC’s James Comey Interview

Comey was using the interview mostly as a platform to give away a box of kittens that his wife had gathered from underneath their front porch.

Pants had to be applied in post via CGI onto both Comey and Stephanopoulos.

While ordering a pizza during the interview, Comey used his FBI pizza discount, even though he’s definitely no longer with the FBI.

Though not typically a romantic type of activity, there did seem to be genuine chemistry and palpable electricity felt by the audience during Comey and Stephanopoulos’ seventeen minute potato sack race.

Comey’s years as a member of The Solid Gold Dancers was pretty much glossed over, even though he initially walked onto the interview set in full Solid Gold Dancer garb.

During several different occasions during the interview, it was difficult to tell if Stephanopoulos was making the gesture for “raise the roof”, or if he was simply motioning to someone off-camera that he needed a bathroom break.

Rather than leave the set following the interview, Comey elected to instead curl up into a large ball and sleep on the floor of the studio. Last we checked, he’s still there, a strange, watery purring sound coming from his perfectly round, ball-like form.

Comey and Stephanopoulos risked a potentially disastrous move by repeating Trump’s name in unison three times into a mirror. Fortunately for everyone, Trump didn’t appear, but the room did suddenly fill with the smells of tanning spray and dollar-menu burgers.