Sorry I Reposted Your Work Without Attribution, But To Be Fair, I’m Also A Bank Robber

So you’ll be relieved to learn that my Instagram thievery is simply a side-hustle to my main gig as a full-on Jeremy Renner-in-The Town bank robber.

Cropping the identifying information out of one of your tweets and passing it off as my own is just something I do with one hand while I brush my teeth in the morning. The day doesn’t start until I pull a rubber mask of Tintin out of my duffle bag and tell everyone to “face their face to hell and stretch their hands to heaven” while my goons go to work blowtorching into the main vault.

Sure, if I were you, @hannahbanannah, I’d absolutely hate the fact that my social media following allows me post sponsored content and get $25,000 for it from the good folks at Irish Spring Deodorant. But I assume that hate would be dulled a bit by the knowledge that in that same day I bagged $33 million by hitting First Loan, Citizen’s Financial, and Northern Trust simultaneously while everyone else was busy watching the parade downtown.

Maybe this isn’t what you want to hear right now, @hannahbanannah. I assume you had the idea for that tweet about your high school reunion while you were killing time at work, posted it, nibbled your fingers in excitement as people seemed to really respond to it, and then had that experience soured by me and my deft content curation.

But at the end of the day that tweet was like a bar of gold bullion burning a hole in the bottom of Fort Knox. I just had to have it.

Now, you might reasonably ask, am I a Robin-Hood-esque bank robber, stealing from those in power and distributing it amongst those who need it most? No I am not. Not at all.

Anyway, I want to keep this DM short because the FBI has agreed to give us a helicopter if we let four of the hostages leave, which is honestly an incredible deal. I’d understand if you’re mad that I’ve skirted around the tenuous ethics of the internet to garner a following from the creative output of others. But madder than you’d be at me for gunning down my best friend and partner in a last-minute betrayal just to get a bigger cut for myself? Jesus, @hannahbanannah, I hope not.

Also, if the authorities kick down your door, it’s because the cheeky calling card we leave for the cops is one of your tweets. We went and left your name on that one.