Spooky Season: Three Hidden Pitfalls of Halloween

Spooky season is well and truly upon us, ladies and gentlemen. (Wait, how would the Crypt Keeper say that? “Scabies and mental men”?)  Seems like you can’t go a block these days without seeing one of those giant spider webs attached to someone’s house, looking like a very poorly thought-out fire escape. “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” has been playing on a loop in my neighbor’s apartment for three days now.  Even at the grocery store, you can buy all those classic spooky cereals you remember from childhood: Manson Crunch, Dahmer Nibbles, and Honey Bunches of Gacy.

And all this is great, in my opinion. I’m glad Halloween is finally rising up as the king of all holidays and kicking Christmas’ pasty ass. Give me Freddy and Jason over Frosty and Rudolph any day. We’re almost to the point where suburban moms named Jennifer are making it lame, but we’re not there yet. So I’m enjoying this era while it lasts.

But with great Halloween comes great responsibility, and there are a few pitfalls we need to address before they get further out of hand and diminish the impact of this sacred time.

1. DECORATIVE INFLATABLE WITCHES CAN BE EMBARRASSING FROM CERTAIN ANGLES, AND WE NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT.

Witches are a big part of Halloween decorating, and that’s as it should be. They’re OG creepy characters and public domain to boot! Plus, they’re women, so, like, diversity. Why should murder and evil and mayhem be just for the dudes? Give the gals a chance! But we need to be careful here because witches are often depicted riding around on broomsticks.

While this can be an effective image, it can also be embarrassing if the back half of the broom — the part with the bristles — is not clearly visible from all angles. If it isn’t, what we see is some lady holding a big brown shaft in her hands. Usually, she’s looking down and smiling broadly, like this is the greatest thing that ever happened to her. That’s kind of a lot to process if you’re a pedestrian who’s just admiring the Halloween inflatables in your neighborhood.

My suggestion: turn those witches sideways so that the entire broom is visible from the sidewalk. Unless you want to keep it sexy. In that case, keep giving us that frontal view. I mean, kids have to learn about this stuff eventually.

2. THE AUDIO-ANIMATRONIC MONSTERS FROM SPIRIT HALLOWEEN ARE WAY TOO LOUD (AND LONG).

We’ve all been in this situation. You’re casually strolling through the local Spirit Halloween when you see the mechanical Grim Reaper guy with the Iron Maiden-album-cover-looking face. And he’s wearing a black robe and holding a scythe, and there’s a big button next to him marked “TRY ME.”

So, naturally, you do. And what happens?

You get THE LOUDEST NOISE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. It sounds like a garbage truck having rough, unprotected sex with a stump grinder as the Grim Reaper comes to “life” and starts doing his little “act” for you.

“AH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!!! FOOLISH MORTAL!!!! YOU HAVE AWOKEN COUNT CORPSE-ULA, DEVOURER OF CHILDREN!!!!!!”

And now people are starting to notice. How can they help it? As far as they know, a  jumbo jet is taking off in the middle of Spirit Halloween. There’s a lady a few feet away picking out a Bluey costume for her now-crying daughter, and she’s staring daggers at you. And you feel like a creep because you’re the one who made all this happen. And is the Iron Maiden guy done? No, he is not. His spiel has a ways to go.

“AND I WILL MOLEST YOUR DREAMS AND GIVE HERPES TO YOUR SOUL AND SELL YOUR SANITY ON CRAIGSLIST FOR AN INSULTINGLY LOW PRICE!!!!!!”

Are you obligated to stand there and wait until he’s done? Would it be rude to walk away? Please, Spirit Halloween, don’t put us in this awkward position.

3. THREE SIMPLE WORDS: TOO. MUCH. CLOWNS.

It’s happened, America. We’re at peak clown. The clown apotheosis, if you will. Everywhere you go, it’s a veritable clowngasm of light-up noses, rainbow wigs, and oversized shoes. Quite simply, clowns have won Halloween. Joker and Pennywise may have had the market all to themselves at one point, but that’s no longer the case. Not even close. Bonkers and Num Num and Dribbles and Mr. Poopers all want their share of the Halloween pie, too.

I’m not against scary clowns at all. Far from it. Clowns were originally meant to make us laugh, and they haven’t done that for decades (maybe centuries), so it’s good that we’re getting some use out of them. But I do worry about the way that these alleged  merry-makers have monopolized the market. They’re barely leaving room for anyone else.

What are the traditional, non-clowning-based killers and monsters supposed to do to compete in the modern Halloween economy? Learn to juggle? Enroll in clown college? Paint their faces? At least half of them are already wearing masks! Putting a red nose on a hockey mask is like putting a hat on a hat. And most monsters are bad enough at running as it is. They don’t need floppy shoes slowing them down even more.

So there you have it. Those are my three suggestions for keeping Halloween fun or whatever. Damn, I hope Weekly Humorist buys this article, because I have some serious gambling debts to pay off and I need some quick cash. I’ve been getting some phone calls that are WAY scarier than anything Halloween has to offer.

Pray for me.