Best of 2023

I’m Professional Tracker Hudson Rattlesnake and I Will Find Where You Parked Your Car

I see you’ve found my page… or did I find you first? Name’s Hudson Rattlesnake, and I’m the best damn animal tracker you’ll ever find. I’ve been on dangerous treks, safaris, and big game hunts all over the Midwest and Southern United States. 


During my adventures, I’ve developed a superior intellect and strategic mind that make locating my prey practically a guarantee. That’s why I’ve created this here Craigslist post, because I want to use my skills to help you figure out where you parked your car. 


Look, I get it. We both know going to the mall close to Christmas is risky, but you need to get that last-second gift you procrastinated. It shouldn’t be a death sentence! I’m tired of hearing tragic tales of families freezing to death because they could have sworn they parked outside the Kohl’s entrance. After all, it is the closest to the Cinnabon when in reality they parked at the Barnes & Noble entrance because it lets them avoid walking in front of Spencer’s gifts and getting frightened by the window displays. 


I have reason to believe my skill set will easily transfer to locating your vehicle amongst the mass of similar makes and models filling the parking lot. I’ve studied the ticks and behavior of animals for so long that I can tell two identical raccoons apart just by sensing which one is feeling sadder, spotting the difference between a 2011 and a 2012 Ford Fiesta will be child’s play. 


Now, before you start to think I’m making this sound so easy that you could do it without me, you should know that I have often found still unmoving prey to be much more difficult to track than mobile prey. I feel confident that if you go without my services, you will forget where you parked, get lost after the mall closes, wander aimlessly until you collapse, slowly turn into a skeleton, and be completely forgotten to time. 


I, on the other hand, have mutton chops I gained during a window of time when I slept with a wolf pack for a few weeks. My senses of smell, feel, and taste are all heightened, and each of the three has experience with every type of rodent. I even have an accent that most people have called “indistinguishable.” 


My approach to locating your vehicle will be a simple sequence of maneuvers I’ve picked up in various jungles. For example, when I track possums, learning about the delicate creature and then searching for it isn’t enough. I must forget the intent to hunt and learn its ways with the sole intention of becoming the possum. I must act as the possum, live as the possum, and one time, even fall in love as the possum. 


So how do I become your car? Easy. In this instance, I will take samples of your tires and exhaust fumes in a controlled environment before we depart for the mall so that I begin the hunt with a distinct familiarity and therefore tactical advantage. On the ride over I will feel and memorize every rhythm and movement that is unique. If your car even barely grazes the rough part of the road that signals, you’re drifting too far into the shoulder, I’ll feel it. As I ride, eyes closed, focused on the engine’s intricacies, my personal burnt Black-Eyed Peas CD blaring out your speakers, I will know not only how your car feels on the inside, but also how your car feels on the inside.


Once at the mall, I will shop separately for the allotted time. I need to get some gifts myself and am technically in between vehicles so this is very convenient for me. You can text me when you’re finished, and assuming I have also finished shopping, I can really get to work. 


I will start by scanning the lot for any signs of rubber particles left behind by your vehicle. The droppings of the car, if you will. I always start a hunt by analyzing droppings, even if they aren’t from the animal I’m tracking. There’s a deep well of information in a creature’s stool. Once I find the excrement, I know I’m in the right vicinity. In the Serengeti of Ohio, I would create a watcher’s nest where I would have a better eyeline across the area. I believe I can recreate this by climbing on top of the tallest car in the lot and then looking around. If your car is the tallest in the lot, congrats, you’re on your way home one to three hours earlier than expected. 


Once perched, the most vital technique is patience. In the same way that I would wait for lesser skunks to clear out so that I could focus on the chief skunk, I will wait for other cars to clear the lot, until only a handful remain. At that point, I just need to make animal calls and await a response (press the alarm button on your electric key and listen for the beeping). Then it’s game over, and I’ll safely isolate and capture the vehicle with a net or by hand. 


Bingo, it’s just that easy. You may be asking “How much does a service this wonderful cost?” and to that, I simply say, “I am a professional, how much do you have?”