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Here’s Today’s Food Allergy Horoscope

OVARIUS: Breakfast can be hard with an egg aversion. Venus governs the mysterious eighth house of intimacy, due diligence, and rich endeavors. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but look—It is time to change the rhythm of your life. Just don't bother going out to eat with anyone so you can tell them about it.

Horoscopes For the Quarantined

Scorpio: Your libido right now is high, which is offensive because people are suffering around you. Go watch Catholic TV to cleanse yourself. If you’re still feeling randy, ironically sext with someone from Hinge, but don’t get too alarmed if he asks you to move in after twenty minutes -- online dating is weird now.

Weekly Horoscopes for the Unemployed

Aries Life is like a rose, always blooming or not blooming,…