Weekly Horoscopes for the Unemployed


Life is like a rose, always blooming or not blooming, but you don’t know which until you lift the glass and check. You, too, are like that rose, this week and every week. So apply for that dream job. Or don’t. You’re not going to get it either way.


Water is life. It fuels you. It keeps you clean, baptizing and cleansing you in its cool waves. You need to try to shower at least three times this week. Your roommates think you’ve gotten smelly, but they feel too bad to say anything. Wash your sheets too, while you’re at it.


Spring is upon us, the season of renewal and new life. So you need to start filling in your depressing, empty iCal with some plans. Make plans with two friends, that way when you inevitably cancel one, you’ll have a back up. If nothing else, just go outside alone. Please.


Music is the one thing that reminds you that you’re still here, still breathing, still alive. It’s the beat that gets you out of bed and into this great wide world. But remember that while making playlists to match your exact moods feels like work, it isn’t actually work. Instead of figuring out which Lorde song best matches “Tuesday Mid-Morning Hopeful Melancholy,” look for customer service jobs on Indeed.


The sun is a star, but it could never be brighter than you when you’re at your best. Unfortunately, you definitely haven’t been at your best lately. You think it’s beneath your dignity to even have to apply for a job — and you’re not wrong, it’s below anyone’s dignity — but resist the urge to send a selfie in lieu of a cover letter next time.


Everything starts with order, and then the universe displaces it. Entropy, your enemy. And your penchant for order has kept you sane during these trying times, but it’s getting out of hand. No matter how many times your re-organize your closet, you’re never going to be able to sell enough of your old sweaters to pay your rent this month. Treat yourself to a latte while you update your resume.


Routines have a bad reputation, but you find comfort and balance in yours. Skincare, especially. Still, stop doing so many face masks. It’s a strange, expensive day way to fill your time. Your skin is fine, and daily use of Glossier’s mega greens galaxy mask wouldn’t make it any better if it weren’t.


Some days, you feel connected to every person you meet, every dog you see, every molecule of air around you. But more often, life is liked LinkedIn — full of people you don’t care about, posting things you don’t care about, but you have to pretend to care a little so you can find a job you won’t care about. Update your photo anyway — but don’t pay for professional headshots.


Few jobs would let you show the full force of your personality, but that’s not what you really need. You need money, and health insurance. A life as an Instagram influencer will give you none of those things. Stop obsessively chronicling your day on Stories. It’s bumming all your friends out.


Creative forces are flowing, from the fresh grass to the new buds on the cherry blossom trees. But that doesn’t mean all ideas are equal. All the foods you “invented” last week were sad and weird. Stop tweeting about them.


True comfort is hard to come by, so grasp it when you really find it. Instead, you’ve been buying things to make yourself feel better, and this week you’ll continue to do so. Next week, when your credit card statement comes in, you will definitely feel worse.


Take a look at your day, and where the hours are slipping away. It’s clear: You’ve got to stop reading your horoscope. Yes, it makes you feel a little better, like the universe is protecting you in some benevolent, unknowable way, and maybe that’s true. But you need to apply to jobs, not compare astrologers’ predictions for last week based on their accuracy. And burn some sage. It couldn’t hurt.