Horoscopes For the Quarantined

Aries Seize the moment. Literally, any moment. It’s peak moment season, and all the moments are ripe for the seizing. So buy those fancy anal beads that you’ve been eyeing for the past week (they won’t be on sale forever).

Cancer You’ve got to break some eggs to make an omelet. Ghost that super boring dude you met just before quarantine, and let him assume you have too much existential anxiety to do Zoom sex. Once this global pandemic blows over, freeze your eggs.

Virgo Your fear of the unknown is keeping you from living life to the fullest. Do something that scares you but doesn’t put you in actual danger. Watch Us or It or the poorly lit videos of you and your ex having earnest sex that you shot on a flip video camera in 2008.

Gemini Now is the time for reflection and reading — which is good cause there’s not much else to do. Read a fun tabloid to remember that we’re all in this together — even celebrities on good looking yachts — or immerse yourself in an exotic and diverting tale of people leaving their house.

Taurus Your house of communication is active today, and you might hear of opportunities from an unusual source. Call your dog walker to check in on her — she has insider info about a sale on vampire gloves.

Leo Your need for attention is in full overdrive, but you can’t perform your clowning routine in a public park because it’s still not safe, so buy a webcam and post your banana peel set on RedTube! Just don’t be surprised when everyone tells you to take off your top.

Libra Today you may get trapped in a difficult moral quandary, but follow your gut: resist bingeing another season of Spongebob, and buy yourself some actual toilet paper. You’ve been feeling guilty for weeks about using Us Weekly as toilet paper because it’s disrespectful to the featured celebrities.

Scorpio Your libido right now is high, which is offensive because people are suffering around you. Go watch Catholic TV to cleanse yourself. If you’re still feeling randy, ironically sext with someone from Hinge, but don’t get too alarmed if he asks you to move in after twenty minutes — online dating is weird now.

Sagittarius Today is your day! It’s actually the luckiest day of the whole year; too bad the world is “on pause.” Instead of celebrating publicly, which could put you and others at risk, post a long humble brag on Facebook about how you’ve been using your #time to your advantage and teaching yourself tons of new skills like how to make a banana split and bathtub gin.

Capricorn If you’re feeling anxious about smoking weed, read that article that says smoking marijuana can boost COVID antibodies and everyone in the WHO is super stoned right now.  If you can’t find it, ask your weed dealer to send you the link.

Aquarius Your desire to have the quirkiest quarantine around has driven you to extremes like posting ironic gorilla mask selfies and pics of all your failed attempts at home-churned butter. Today just try to fit in with the other quarantiners and drink straight absinthe to make the time go.

Pisces Tonight’s full moon is making you miss your mom, your fifth grade art teacher, and that person you did anal with. To help you process the complicated emotions you can expect to encounter today, create a portrait of all three of these beauties by upcycling the packaging materials from your recent delivery — the Orgasmatron 3000 washing machine.