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READ THE EMPEROR PALPATINE INDICTMENT

This indictment is about something far more important: financial impropriety.

The Mayor Doesn’t Have a Magic Wand…

PRESS SECRETARY: “Let me be clear. The Mayor did not ‘lose’ the wand. It is blatantly obvious that City Councilman Teddy Bilson—who plans to run against the Mayor next year—stole it.”

We’re Doing Nothing Effective to Reduce Crime, COVID, or Homelessness, but Here Are Three F**King Obvious Tips for Surviving a Nuclear Attack

It’s no secret that crime is up, social programs for mental health are nearly eliminated, COVID is back for the 137th time, and the city’s plan to eradicate homelessness by kicking people off the subway isn’t the miracle we’d hoped. But instead of wasting taxpayer dollars on city-wide programs that address the root causes of these real problems, the Office of Emergency Management is proud to present this 90-second PSA on three extremely fucking obvious tips on surviving a nuclear attack.

Your Brooklyn Dream Home, Now for Just 100k!

Look no further for your dream home! Located in a Cobble Hill Gristedes dumpster, this 1 sq. ft. hell hole is yours for just $1,038, plus $99k property tax. You’ll save on groceries because every night at 11:03 rotten tomatoes will be dumped right into your kitchen (and bedroom, living room, and also bathroom). Bring a positive attitude and hazmat suit.

Despite the Fact That I Personally Orchestrated His Release From Arkham Asylum, It Is Not My Responsibility as Mayor of Gotham City to Protect Citizens From Mr. Freeze

Only the strong who have a $50,000 backup generator in their basement will survive. The weak (poor), who do not have a $50,000 backup generator that has been specially programmed to be resistant to the cryogenics of Mr. Freeze will ultimately perish. Don’t blame me, blame your elected officials. No, not me. Your other elected officials.