The Collective Bargaining Agreement Of Santa’s Reindeer

THIS AGREEMENT is made and entered into by and between SAINT NICHOLAS, hereinafter called “Santa” and the TEAMSTERS, LOCAL -40°F/-40°C hereinafter called “The Reindeer” and recognizes the union as the exclusive bargaining agent for all Reindeer and other non-typical aeronautical Mammalia employed by Santa and his various aliases (Kris Kringle, Pere Noel, Father Christmas, De Kertzman, Babbo Natale, Santa-San, Julenisse [Yule Nise], Kaledu Senelis, and Kanakaloka) as provided hereunder. NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual promises set forth below, IT IS HEREBY AGREED

1. Term

This Agreement shall commence at sunset on December 24, 2021, and end at sunrise on December 25, 2021.

2. Union Reindeer

2.1. Any Reindeer who, on the effective date of this Agreement, is a member of The Union shall, as a condition of employment by Santa, remain a Reindeer in good standing during the term of this Agreement. A “Reindeer in Good Standing” shall include the requirement of paying initiation fees and work dues as well as being able not to bite and attack when startled by sudden loud noises or compulsively fornicate on the rooftops of the good boys and girls around the world.

2.2. Membership to the union is not compulsory. All Reindeer have a right to join, not join, maintain, or drop their membership in the Union as they see fit.

2.3. But not literally in the middle of a Christmas Eve route. 

2.4. That is not allowed.  

3. Hiring Practices

Each Reindeer will receive a contract at noon on December 24 along with an interpreter who will translate the contract from English to Reindeer talk. Individual Contracts shall include feeding times, chin tickles (cootchie, cootchie, coo time), and the seasonal hunting schedules of all sovereign states recognized by The United Nations.

4. Compensation

Santa shall pay scale wages for each Reindeer as follows:

Two-and-a-half (2 ½) carrots every three (3) hours or sixteen (16) leaves of lettuce per four-hundred (400) rooftops, with one (1) ten (10) minute cootchie, cootchie, coo per continent.

5. Working Conditions And Safety

Santa will make every effort to provide and maintain safe working conditions. The Union will cooperate in these efforts by encouraging its nine members to work in a safe manner and to obey established safety protocols as dictated per Santa’s policy.

5.1.a. Santa agrees to follow applicable Veterinary recommendations regarding health and safety regarding issues that are found common in most deer species including but not limited to: ticks, worms, rabies, blue tongue, tularemia, and chronic wasting disease.

5.1.b The Reindeer promise to alert Santa that there is a problem by way of barking, squealing, refusing food, incontinence, and just being plain old grumpy little Gusses.

5.2.a. Santa agrees to provide proper safety equipment to protect his Reindeer from the harsh winter conditions.

5.2.b. The Reindeer can’t promise that they will use them properly due to the fact that they are Reindeer and they don’t know any better. They are  at times friendly and docile but also a very stubborn species. It is up to Santa to make sure they are protected from the elements. Reindeer do not understand causality because they are animals and much dumber than people.

6. Cancelation

6.1. If Christmas is canceled for any reason, no payment will be made.

6.2. Christmas may be canceled in any household or on a mass civic scale for any reason due to unforeseen circumstances or force majeure such as acts of terrorism, armageddon, or a mother of three children whose bratty middle child really set her off one afternoon which drove her to start drinking and screaming, “CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED THIS YEAR!” in a desperate act to regain control of her household. 

6.2. a. In the event of a terrorist attack, Santa and his reindeer are not obligated to use their magic that is fueled by the spirit of Christmas and the pure hears and minds of children to help out in any way.

6.2. b. In the event of the “fed up” mother canceling Christmas, it is encouraged to maybe use a little bit of that magic.

6.2. c. Give the lady a break. She’s doing the best she can.

7. Branding

7.1. No Reindeer has permission to apply for grants or other funding as a representative of Santa, or apply for grants or other funding listing “Santa” as a fiscal agent without written permission from The Santa’s Workshop Board Of Trustees.

7.2. No Reindeer has permission to contract or perform any service as Santa. 

8. Removal For Just Cause

8.1. If SANTA raises concerns regarding a Reindeer, verbal and written communication will be provided to the Reindeer in a timely manner in order to allow adequate opportunity for adjustment. Reindeer are expected to represent the North Pole in a positive and jolly manner and Santa holds the right to immediately relieve a Reindeer of its duties under the following conditions.

• Using antlers as weapons

• Engagement in sexual congress mid-flight

• Misinterpreting a child’s natural curiosity as a territorial challenge 

• Eating the presents

• Eating the candy

• Eating an Elf

• Any attempt at a coup d’etat to usurp Santa

• Any attempt to disguise oneself as Mrs. Claus and blackmailing Santa with provocative polaroids

• Any ‘rutting’ disputes resulting in a mortally wounded co-worker

• Failure of drug test

• Failure to maintain a clean flying record of six points or less

 

9. Non-Discrimination

Neither party shall discriminate, laugh at, call names or preclude ANY Reindeer from joining in any Reindeer games on the basis of age, sex, race, creed, color, handicap, ancestry, veteran status, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, nose color or illumination.

10. Next Term

The parties shall begin negotiation for the next term by July 25, 2022.

11. Ratification

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, we have hereunto set our hands this ______ day of _________________, 202__.

FATHER NICHOLAS CHRISTMAS KRINGLE, INC.

BY:________________________________________________ DATE____________________

NORTH POLE TEAMSTERS, LOCAL -40° F / LOCAL -40° C

BY:___________________________________________________DATE__________________

APPENDIX A

TENURE LIST

(in alphabetical order)

Blitzen

Comet

Cupid

Dancer

Dasher

Donner

Prancer

Vixen

APPENDIX B

FIRST CALL LIST

Rudolph