Holiday Carols for Mercury Retrograde

“I May or May Not Be Home for Christmas”

I’ve been sitting on the runway at O’Hare for the past three hours, so don’t wait up.

“Away In A Manger”

Our room at the inn got double-booked due to a clerical error, so my wife was forced to give birth in this barn.

“Deck the Halls”

Fa-la-la-la—wait, I’m not crazy about that tinsel over there. Can we move it a little to the left? Whose idea was it to buy a pre-lit tree this year? Honestly, this entire color scheme is rubbing me the wrong way. You know what? Scrap it. Just scrap it, Angela.

“I Saw Three Ships”

And promptly got on the wrong one. I double-checked my boarding pass, I swear, but now I’m headed to Tahiti in a cargo hold and there’s really nothing I can do about it at this point.

“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”

She was so distracted by the general pandemonium that she failed to look both ways before she crossed the street. To make matters worse, I double-booked myself on the day of her funeral due to a Google Calendar error.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

According to my mom, they dated for, like, a minute. Unfortunately, she fell prey to that infamous retrograde pull toward former lovers, which is why I walked into the kitchen late one night to find the Jolly Old Elf rummaging through our fridge in tight red satin briefs.

“What Child Is This?”

Seriously, whose kid is this? They all looked the same in the hospital nursery, but I am 75 percent sure mine had a distinctive birthmark.