Originals
Conversations I’ve Had With My Playlist
Undone – The Sweater Song – Weezer: If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away. Me: GOD, NO! It’s gorgeous.
Entries by AJ DiCosimo
Best of 2022
Totally True Oscar Facts
Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, and Jack Nicholson are secretly all the same man. Disney’s Dumbo is the first NC-17 film to ever be nominated. No one has ever seen The English Patient. And more!
Originals
The Following Preview Has Been Approved For All Audiences By The Motion Picture Association Of America
THE FILM ADVERTISED HAS BEEN RATED R FOR: THEMATIC ELEMENTS, PERVASIVE LANGUAGE, TOO MANY PUNS FOR MY LIKING, DEPICTIONS OF ANIMATED PENGUINS IN ADULT SITUATIONS, and more!
Best of 2022
A New Round Of Russian Sanctions
MGM Studios will remaster Rocky IV by digitally replacing Ivan Drago with Jar Jar Binks, Siberia will now be called ‘Other Alaska’, Rubles are now worth .000095 of a shirt button, and more!
Originals
The Collective Bargaining Agreement Of Santa’s Reindeer
8. Removal For Just Cause: Eating the presents, Eating an Elf, Any attempt to disguise oneself as Mrs. Claus and blackmailing Santa with provocative polaroids.
Originals
Cecil Agnew – The Father Of Modern Mixology
He muddled herbs and strychnine with his father’s wooden leg. He zested citrus using his grocer’s hook hand. He strained cocktails with his grandfather’s dentures. When germs were discovered in 1875, he scrapped the use of prosthetics in favor of traditional metal barware. Ever the environmentalist, Cecil chose to use logs of cured meat as swizzle sticks and lead nuggets as whiskey stones.
Originals
Conversations That May Have Taken Place Off-Camera
The Wizard Of Oz: Cowardly Lion: I think I’m kind of into her guys. Tin Man: Oh Lion… Cowardly Lion: What should I do? Scarecrow: I think you should tell her. Tin Man: Tell her what? “Hey Dorothy. I know that you’re a small town girl from Kansas and I’m a lion, but when all this is over do you want to go to the movies sometime?”
Best Of 2021
17 Extinct Dog Breeds
Palmeranian (phylangesis floofli) A toy breed known for its ability to hold a basketball and to tell the future the Palmeranian became threatened after the invention of gloves and mittens which led to its inevitable suffocation.
Originals
The Commissioner’s Adjusted Rules For The 2020 MLB Season
Along with having a universal designated hitter every team will be assigned a designated tickler, Stadiums will replace hot dogs with normal temperature regular dogs, Gloves will be replaced with a hand of bananas. And more.
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My Petitions
Extend The ‘Five-Second Rule’ To Food I’ve Dropped On The Floor To The End Of The Current Business Day, and more.
Originals
The Prophecy Speaks Of “The One”
First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.
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An Absurd And Morally Irresponsible Look Into 2020’s Possible Best Picture Nominees
I Transformed My Body Into A Pot Beef Stew For This Role: Christian Bale is a lock for another best actor nod as he’s undergone his most ambitious body transformation to date by morphing himself into a delicious, simmering pot of beef stew. With dynamite performances by Paul Giamatti as the man who makes the stew and Amy Adams as the woman who eats it, this erotic thriller is fun for the whole family and may score Netflix it’s first best picture win.
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Online Job Posting For New Opening Of Head Coach at Cleveland Browns
Making words and combining them to create newer and better words! SUPER WORDS! Words like HARDLAND!!! BELIEVELAND!!! etc…
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To Whoever Finds This Note
I’m sorry that it had to be you, but if you are reading it means that your life is in danger and you don’t have much time. On the table in the dining room, you will find a loaded bazooka next to a flak jacket and an arsenal of automatic assault weapons.
Next to those, you will find the banana in a brown paper bag.
Eat that banana.
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Synopsis: Aunt-Man and the W.A.S.P.
When Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) catches two homeless kids eating a possum in an alleyway, she takes matters into her own hands and delivers the feral children to their only living relative: Aunt Mya (Scarlett Johannson) a street-smart transgender sex worker with a prescription drug habit and a mean left hook, who wants nothing to […]
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Look What I Can Do! | God | TEDx
Well, that didn’t play out quite like we thought it would.
Originals
The Art Of The Slaughter: 7 More Humane Ways To Kill Your Livestock
1. Take your animal to an upscale Italian restaurant. About halfway through your meal start speaking Italian so if anyone is eavesdropping they won’t know what you’re talking about. Excuse yourself to the lavatory to retrieve the gun that was planted by one of your confidants. Return to the table and let the cinematic tension […]
