Originals

Twelve Other and Maybe Better Ways We Could Be Choosing Members of Congress.

by Andy Schocket

Another nasty electoral season is upon us, and Americans’ disapproval of members of Congress continues to plummet. Accordingly, I provide as a public service a survey of alternate methods of selecting Senators and members of the House of Representatives.

 

AI: Ask ChatGPT to pick the best Americans to become new members of Congress. Pro: The first practical use case for A.I. Con: In preliminary testing, rather than naming eligible residents of the designated district, ChatGPT spit out Millard Fillmore, Donald Duck, and an anthropomorphic, impressionist-style painting of a jar of peanut butter.

Lottery: Every PowerBall ticket buys not only a shot at big bucks, but also a chance to spend years of your life attending speechifiying-filled Congressional committee hearings concerning excruciating legislative minutia. Pro: Easy to administer. Con: Would significantly depress lottery revenue.

Game show: Candidates play ”The Price Is Right” for federal budget items. Pro: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks. Con: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks.



Social Media: Congressional seats would go to the candidates amassing the greatest number of follows and likes. Pro: Transparent results tabulated in real time. Con: Congress filled entirely by Beautubers, Russian trolls, and house cats.

High School Prom Court: Candidates strut their stuff and pander to the audience in the crassest, most juvenile terms imaginable. Pro: Would get great TV ratings. Con: Does not materially differ from current selection method.

Wealth: Individuals with highest income in each district according to IRS records. Pro: Might encourage billionaires to cheat less on their taxes in order to be eligible for Congress. Con: Washington, DC-area economy decimated when thousands of lobbyists bagmen water-carriers for the super-rich “issue advocates” get thrown out of work.

Thunderdome: For each seat, all candidates enter, one candidate leaves. Pro: Reduction of the total number of politicians, plus, increased use of the term “halberd” in political commentary. Con: Senate Majority Leader Hulk Hogan.

Hunger Games-style reaping: The names of one man and one woman from each district drawn at random; for each additional ticket entered, an individual receives a rent payment, free doctor’s visit, or week’s worth of groceries. Pro: Would finally get the voice of everyday folks into Congress. Con: According to research consisting entirely of thought experiments conducted by American Billionaires for a Fair Economy, the possibility of free stuff for poor people would end life on earth as we know it.

Spinner wheel: A wheel is constructed with names of all citizens and spun. Pro: Materials from border wall could be repurposed to make giant selection wheels. Con: Even more expensive and less functional than the border wall.

Reality TV: Steamy intrigue as the hottest candidates compete for an extensive Capitol engagement. Pro: the chance to shake up congressional relationships mid-term. Watch out Mike Johnson, a hot new bombshell just entered the villa. Con: Joe Manchin is about to get his head turned again.

Drawing straws: Aspiring candidates draw straws for Congressional seats. Pro: Quick and fair. Con: difficulty of getting public consensus on plastic versus paper straws.

Written Examinations: All eligible adults invited to take tests on topics such as defense policy and the federal tax system; top scorers in each district selected. Pro: Higher probability of informed governance. Con: Nation’s jobless numbers permanently increased due to unemployability of Lauren Boebert, Jim Jordan, and Marjorie Taylor Greene.