“After we finish defeating the Professor, who is being very badly defeated, pretty soon I’ll be declaring Castaway Bay a territory of mine.” The Skipper went a step further to suggest that Castaway Bay is already his territory. “Essentially, that’s what it is,” he added. “We have the blockade. No canoes get through unless we want them to,” he said.
The Skipper Administration’s Mary Ann has dropped charges against the Professor for allegedly vandalizing the Lagoon, which has been deep green since the Skipper’s botched efforts to turn that body of water “Skipper Shirt Blue.”
SKIPPER: People have been hurt so badly by radical left lunatics that worked for the Howell administration. They’re vicious. They raided my hut, took my coconuts, and all the other things. They’ve lost everything over a fake weaponization of government.
The standoff’s wider economic fallout continues to be felt across the Island. “Thurston, my dear,” asked a nervous Mrs. Lovey Thurston Howell III, “what will happen to our investments in frozen pineapple juice futures?” To which Thurston Howell III replied, “Not to worry, we’ll short them. After all, the only people who drink frozen drinks are philistines, arrivistes, and your ridiculous cousin BooBoo.”
At a press conference held at the Castaway Island Governing Committee Hut, the Skipper vowed to blockade Castaway Bay. “Effective immediately, we will begin the process of BLOCKADING any and all ships trying to enter, or leave, the Island,” he said, while pointing a bamboo shoot at the attending members of the press.
At a press conference held in the Castaway Island Governing Committee hut, the Professor denied the allegations recently launched against him by the Skipper. “The Skipper and Gilligan served me with grand jury subpoenas, threatening a criminal indictment related to my testimony before the Governing Committee last June,” he said.
At a last-minute media gaggle held at the Castaway Island Lagoon, the Skipper stated his intentions to annex the Professor’s hut. “Anything less than that hut in my hands is unacceptable,” he said. He also announced that he was appointing Gilligan as a special envoy to “lead the charge” in making the hut part of his territory. “We’re going to see what happens. We need [the hut] for Island security,” the Skipper said. “We have a very good relationship with [the Professor], as you know. We’ll see.
Although The Skipper justified the overnight raid by citing “narcoterrorism,” he had previously noted about the Howells’ access to some of the Island’s largest coconut-tree groves: “Maybe we will sell the coconut cream pies. Maybe we will keep them. Maybe we’ll use them in the Strategic Coconut Reserves.”
Medical benefits: The Company is required to provide at all times an on-site, Clown-certified emergency medical technician (EMT). Each EMT must be equipped with the proper medical equipment, consisting entirely of an over-sized head mirror, a non-operable stethoscope, and a two-foot gas-powered chainsaw. EMT is required to faint at presentation of patient symptoms.
Hi everybody! We’re in our academic quad, in front of [name of alumni robber baron] Hall. At [name of college], we have a [general education, open, or inscrutable higher education buzzword salad] curriculum. But we have fun courses, too, like when my roommate took [Psychology, Philosophy, or Physics] of [AI, marketing, or patriarchal settler colonialism] and [Taylor Swift, sex toys, or Taylor Swift and sex toys].
Gilligan: Hey Skipper, why are you building a tollgate on the path between our tent and the other castaways’ tents? Skipper: This will allow us to impose a big, Beautiful 25% tariff on all their Trade with us. The Skipper is going to take back what was stolen from us by other castaways and, frankly, by incompetent Island Leadership.
You may ask, though, do the youth of Middle Earth really have “ring anxiety,” do they follow the news, preferring instead to waste their hours endlessly eyeballing those short scrolls filled with runes of cats doing silly things, “influencers” reviewing the latest in leather aprons, and all sorts of drivel scribed as if by trolls?
Costello: Say I want to write a memo about MLB’s new diversity pipeline program. I write a memo to Who, that gets forwarded to What, and it’s about I Don’t Know. Who’s in the program now? Nobody. When can someone apply? Eventually. Why? He’s our lawyer.
Musk’s notes: Do any of those states have any woke Marxist Democrat Congressmen? If so, fire. If not… what the hell, just fire anyway.
Which of the following most excites you about DOGE? Rank the below choices from “rockin’” to “bitchin’”:
__ Denying food to starving children
__ Cutting off HIV drugs from people who will die without them
__ Screwing with my elder relatives’ Social Security payments
And more!
Game show: Candidates play ”The Price Is Right” for federal budget items. Pro: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks. Con: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks.
This refusal to microwave your damn Hot Pockets has nothing to do with the fact that I understand that part of my gig means providing execrable comfort food to horde after cretinous horde of gold-plated, silver-spooned, lead-palated philistines like you.
Collecting all the Hummel figurines that openly carry a gun. Chainsaw sculpting, carving life-size statues of Samuel Alito. And more!
Reporter: Charlie Brown landed pretty hard. How is he, physically? Coach: CB’s tougher than an under-cooked truck-stop chicken-fried steak. When the trainer got out there, CB took one look at him and said, “Good grief!” He’s a fine boy, but sometimes it’s like he’s stuck in the 1950s.
Take it from me, your friendly internet-neighborhood FixDandy man: No matter how little experience you have, how badly you’ve botched previous DIY projects, or how many neighbors have sent you cease-and-desist letters, even you can follow my step-by-step guide to install a bit of indoor moving-air heaven.
Big Mother- Pitch: Cameras installed in the basements of 15 live-at-home male Gen Zers; the mother of the one who moves out first wins $100,000. Reason for cancellation: After six months of filming, the only activities captured on film were eating DoorDash-ed Taco Bell, video gaming, and masturbating to screenshots of Elon Musk.
But “Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses” is in no way a political song, or anti-anything or anyone. It’s a song about building community, symbolized by the life of a fictional character, who I happen to name “Donald Trump,” who lives in a small town called “Mar-a-Lago,”…