Entries by Andy Schocket

The Skipper Addresses the Professor’s Coconut Enrichment Threat

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Upon taking office last year, I immediately opened negotiations with the Professor and offered him full economic cooperation in exchange for ending his coconut-cream enrichment program but he refused.  He absolutely refused. That was a big mistake. Then in Operation Midnight Banana, I ordered Gilligan to obliterate his enrichment program beneath mountains of rubble. And again, I urged the so-called Professor to make a deal, and again, he refused.

Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Tells Castaways to Accept High Coconut Prices

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“After we finish defeating the Professor, who is being very badly defeated, pretty soon I’ll be declaring Castaway Bay a ​territory of mine.” The Skipper went a step further to suggest that Castaway Bay is already his territory. “Essentially, that’s what it is,” he added.  “We have the blockade. No canoes get through unless we want them to,” he said.

Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Warns ‘clock is ticking’ for the Professor as Peace Process Stalls

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The standoff’s wider economic fallout continues to be felt across the Island. “Thurston, my dear,” asked a nervous Mrs. Lovey Thurston Howell III, “what will happen to our investments in frozen pineapple juice futures?” To which Thurston Howell III replied, “Not to worry, we’ll short them. After all, the only people who drink frozen drinks are philistines, arrivistes, and your ridiculous cousin BooBoo.”

Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Declares Intentions to Annex the Professor’s Hut

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At a last-minute media gaggle held at the Castaway Island Lagoon, the Skipper stated his intentions to annex the Professor’s hut.  “Anything less than that hut in my hands is unacceptable,” he said.  He also announced that he was appointing Gilligan as a special envoy to “lead the charge” in making the hut part of his territory.  “We’re going to see what happens. We need [the hut] for Island security,” the Skipper said.  “We have a very good relationship with [the Professor], as you know. We’ll see.

Contract Negotiation Demands of Clown Union Local #3835

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Medical benefits: The Company is required to provide at all times an on-site, Clown-certified emergency medical technician (EMT). Each EMT must be equipped with the proper medical equipment, consisting entirely of an over-sized head mirror, a non-operable stethoscope, and a two-foot gas-powered chainsaw. EMT is required to faint at presentation of patient symptoms.

College Tour Script Mad Libs

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Hi everybody! We’re in our academic quad, in front of [name of alumni robber baron] Hall. At [name of college], we have a [general education, open, or inscrutable higher education buzzword salad] curriculum. But we have fun courses, too, like when my roommate took [Psychology, Philosophy, or Physics] of [AI, marketing, or patriarchal settler colonialism] and [Taylor Swift, sex toys, or Taylor Swift and sex toys]. 

Gandalf Disbands the Fellowship of the Ring, Blaming It for Rise of “Ring Anxiety” Among Youth of Middle Earth

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You may ask, though, do the youth of Middle Earth really have “ring anxiety,” do they follow the news, preferring instead to waste their hours endlessly eyeballing those short scrolls filled with runes of cats doing silly things, “influencers” reviewing the latest in leather aprons, and all sorts of drivel scribed as if by trolls? 

”Department of Government Efficiency” Job Application

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Which of the following most excites you about DOGE? Rank the below choices from “rockin’” to “bitchin’”:

__ Denying food to starving children

__ Cutting off HIV drugs from people who will die without them

__ Screwing with my elder relatives’ Social Security payments

And more!