Unearthed Time Capsule Reveals Nothing But A Written Explanation By A Procrastinating Time Capsule Committee From 1979

Hello future men and women of 2019! Are you arms tired from digging? I bet they are! Hahaha, okay enough of that already.

 

So I know what you’re thinking and yes we did not do our jobs. However, there is a totally reasonable explanation why the capsule is full of nothing but air. On the bright side, that is precious 1979 air! Don’t use it all in one breath. Cherish it! It’s all we’ve got to give.

 

We all had a really busy week, like, so busy. I can’t speak for everyone but I was pulling my hair out trying to get this other thing together for this guy. And at like midnight I realized “Oh shit” you know? It was a tight deadline too. Super tight, something like two months turnaround time which sounds like a lot. But it isn’t when you’ve got other shit going on that I’m not going to get into.

 

I don’t want to bore you with the details.

 

But I told them I said “Hey, listen, I need more time for this thing this, uh, time capsule.” They just laughed. Kept saying, “How much time does it take? It’s gonna take so long that you’re gonna bury it one day and dig it up the next!”

 

So it was the night before and I called up the rest of the guys from the committee. We were going to meet up except I couldn’t get everyone to settle on a meeting place or a time. Some people called in sick, others just didn’t respond, and operating a rotary telephone can be very tiresome. Very very tiresome.

 

Then this thing came on TV, you know, and I never catch the beginning of movies on TV. It’s like a curse, right? But I finally did so I say to myself, “Okay. Watch the movie then do the time capsule. Movie, capsule. Movie, capsule.”

 

So when I fell asleep and woke up to the credits I was thinking, “Okay, maybe there’s an encore presentation.” That’s the one I always catch in the middle, right? So I say to myself “Watch the encore presentation of the movie then finish the capsule. Encore, capsule. Encore, capsule.” Those were the last words I was thinking before I drifted off to sleep again.

 

See the other thing is, all the cool shit you want to see from this era is not the stuff anyone wants to give away just so it can be thrown in a hole. If you’re lucky there should be a calculator in here that some guy donated but I have a sneaking suspicion he dug it up before you got to it. Probably needed the money.

 

But the rest of the stuff I had just sitting there in a box in my living room. After a while it was kind’ve tempting me. Like they were talking to me. Kept saying, “Hey, I’m a Sony Walkman. You could use me. What’s the matter you don’t like music? The hell is the matter with you!? C’mon, don’t be a square!” Which is weird because I ain’t no square so I picked it up and started listening, you know.

 

And then the pile kept sitting there bothering me . Another one started saying, “I’m a Happy Meal, how you doin’? We just got invented. You think I’m gonna stay fresh all those years in the ground? Think again pal. I’m fresh right now and you look hungry. What’s the matter you can’t finish a meal for children?” Which was a messed up thing to say, making an assumption like that. I was pretty hungry, though, so I helped myself. Fridge was empty. What are you gonna do, right?

 

So then that happened a couple more times and before I knew it, I was really attached to this pile of stuff. Or I had eaten it. And the capsule felt like a funeral for all the friends I just met. A mass grave of inanimate friends and I thought maybe I’d take up snowboarding this winter which is a brand new thing for us.

 

Anyway, we’re really sorry and I speak for everyone involved or I guess uninvolved. There’s always next year, so I promise I won’t forget. Just really tied up at the moment. Like those Iranian hostages, am I right? Hahaha, okay enough of that.