Entries by Robert Criss


Originals

Fight Or Flight Or Flex

You’re walking along and you see a house engulfed in flames. Fight: You immediately run into the house and rescue the family trapped inside. Flight: You get out of the way, giving firefighters space to rescue the family trapped inside. Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex really hard at the house fire with the family trapped inside.

Originals

How NFL Teams Got Their Names

New York Giants: The team is named after New Yorker Elmer Alvin Doe’s masterpiece “The Giant,” with the famous line: Quoth the Giant “Nah-vermore.”

Originals

If Only My Immigrant Great Grandfather Could See Me Now, He’d Say “Where Am I?”

“One minute I’m resting peacefully and now I’m dropped here without explanation. And I really don’t know why you keep giving me children. It’s not a good idea to hand your children to someone you just met. Do you understand me? I don’t know what’s happening right now. What is the train schedule? I need to leave. I don’t want to be here.”

Originals

Three Digit Phone Numbers to Memorize Next Time You’re in a Jam

911—Universal Emergency Services Number 311—Non-Emergency Services Number 922—Not Quite An Emergency But Also Not Quite A Non-Emergency (i.e. My Shed Is Slightly On Fire But We’ve Been Meaning To Get Rid Of It And It’s Raining Pretty Hard So…Take Your Time) Services Number

Originals

I Love Self-Checkout Because I Never Steal And I Always Pay For Each Of My Items Every Time

I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake. 

Originals

Brainstorm For Dolly Parton’s Google Doodle

The word Google but the two o’s are an image of Dolly holding her two massive, natural, milky white dinner plates. The doodle would be a callback to her former life as a waitress at Dobb’s House Restaurant before she got her big break in the music industry.

Originals

Closing Credits From The Biopic Of Charles Lindbergh’s Baby

JENNIFER ANISTON as Search Party Volunteer 21, JENNIFER GARNER as Search Party Volunteer 22, JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT as Search Party Volunteer 23, JENNIFER JASON LEIGH as Search Party Volunteer 24, JASON LEE as Search Party Volunteer 25, and more!

Originals

We’re The Restaurant Underneath The Eiffel Tower And People Have Traveled From All Over The World To Eat Our Food!

Visitors who have trouble communicating with us agree that the tower is a helpful landmark for finding our eatery, assuming it was built for that purpose. Rumor has it, the plan for building the tower was actually a long-term marketing ploy for the restaurant that would eventually settle below it 124 years later so people could easily find it!

Originals

I’m A 9 Year Old Piano Prodigy And Pay No Mind To The Scars All Over My Body

I want to thank all of you for making it here tonight. I’m glad you were all able to dodge the falling pianos that I’ve heard so much about, raining all over innocent people when they go outside for too long or forget to study their sheet music. 

Best of 2022

Aggressive Optical Illusions

Is this a perfect square? Or is perfection a foreign concept to someone like you?

Best Of 2021

The Doctor Says I Need More Cheese In My Diet And That You Can Take It Up With Him If You Disagree Or Think I’m Lying Because I’m Not

You think I’m lying? Well, he actually thought you might say that and he told me to tell you that you can take it up with him if that’s the case. He doesn’t like when people don’t trust his prognoses. Takes that kind’ve thing really seriously. So you can take that up with him.

Originals

How To Do The Impossible: Getting Water Out of a Tire

Build a tire swing and swing all the way around the branch, Add cheese sauce mix, 1 tablespoon of butter, boiled noodles, and eat mac ’n’ cheese out of the tire, Turn tire inside out with the help of an orangutan

Originals

A Layman’s Understanding of Food Recipes

A mixture of dry and wet is tossed around in white sand to make frisbee upholstery. A wet sauce is spread with a robot’s golf club onto the frisbee upholstery. A block of white that was rubbed against a robot’s acne, dead animal discs, leaves, a different dead animal, green tubes, and black rings that can’t fit on your fingers are added to the frisbee upholstery. 

Originals

Quiz: Pizza Cutter Wheel or Doctor’s Head Mirror?

The tool is a circular piece of reflective metal with a small hole in the center. The tool can be washed and sterilized for later usage in a standard dishwasher. No matter how many times you stick it in a DVD player, it won’t play. And more.

Best of 2020

Angel & Devil On My Shoulders Can Agree On One Thing: The Dandruff On My Shoulders Is Gross

DEVIL: While you’re taking my advice, I think it might be a good idea if you start keeping up a little more with your … [Devil waves his pitchfork around my head.] DEVIL: … situation. ME: My what? My dander? What does that have to do with the issue at hand? DEVIL: Forget I said anything.

Originals

Witnesses Describe A Dueling Piano Bar Performance That Ended In Bloodshed

Agnes, 72 — “He crawled on top of the piano trying to be sexy while holding back tears. The guy dressed as Pinocchio started singing and playing a made up song called “Piano-cchio Man” by pecking each key with his long nose. It was a clever play on words but a really long way to go for it.

Originals

Unearthed Time Capsule Reveals Nothing But A Written Explanation By A Procrastinating Time Capsule Committee From 1979

So I know what you’re thinking and yes we did not do our jobs. However, there is a totally reasonable explanation why the capsule is full of nothing but air. On the bright side, that is precious 1979 air! Don’t use it all in one breath. Cherish it! It’s all we’ve got to give.