We Need This Giant White House Ballroom So We Can Host Better Proms

“The White House has told the NCPC that the purpose of the expansion is to “establish a permanent, secure event space that would expand its capacity for official state functions” which “eliminates reliance on temporary tents, temporary support facilities, and associated infrastructure strains, and protects the historic integrity and cultural landscape of the White House and its grounds.” – CNN, 01.08.2026

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KAROLINE LEAVITT: Good afternoon, National Capital Planning Commission! Thank you for attending this information presentation on our beautiful new ballroom. Yes, this conversation would normally happen before any historic ground was demolished, but President Trump heard Americans when they said their number one concern was getting to dance with their sweetheart at an “Under the Sea”-themed evening. And in less than a year in office, he has resolved this problem!

 

Previously, the liberal administrations downright ignored the fact that we, the American people, had no space that could hold 200+ event attendees. Can you imagine?

 

President Trump answered our prayers to make the White House a 5-star, gold-worthy venue. Best of all, he did so in his signature “take no proposals” style. And, he did so at just a measly $200 million over budget! You wouldn’t see that kind of movement from the sleepy Biden administration, whose best idea of an event was a sock hop!

 

For years, we, the American taxpayer, have had to put our hard-earned dollars towards constantly renting event spaces. Which were mainly outdoor gatherings in, God forbid, tents (like dirty foreigners). Now, we can fit everyone in our adult proms! The improved space won’t limit the themes to small-minded ideas like “Diplomacy,” “World Peace,” or invented topics like “The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.” Boring! And so 2009.

 

We can expand to exciting themes like “’50s Night: When Everything Was Better,” “Jeffrey Epstein Island Getaway,” and “Hollywood: Oops! All Conservatives.” Also, a bigger space means more room for streamers, stilettos, and state senators with a R in their parentheses. Plus, more novelty props like cutouts that state “Say cheese!” “Celebrate good times!” and “Roe v. Wade” in Comic Sans font!

 

Importantly, we also now have the space to store party supplies. There will be no need to visit Party City. And that’s not because we’ve taken over Party City and forcibly removed its CEO. We are bigger than Party City, bigger than Party State. Call us Party Country. The country of one party. And this party is on our terms, in our giant ballroom.

 

You may recall the invented leftwing “controversy” of the complete demolition of the East Wing, which liberals squawked was “a space occupied by first ladies for decades.” Well who loves dances more than ladies? Did they ask themselves that?

 

If you’re not tired of winning, consider this: someone will be crowned royalty at the end of the night. We believe that a prom court should be one king and one queen, just as Jesus intended. And if the liberal media calls for a “No Prom Kings” March, we say, come at us! Our gold ballroom will be made shiny with your liberal tears.

 

Finally, on a personal note… As we kick off the new year, a lot of us are making resolutions. I know mine is to go back in time and relive the glory days of my high school heyday, which was (sigh) a full ten years ago. Hard to believe, but way back in 2015, during my senior year of high school, the theme was a pun centered around my name, “Leavitt to Beaver.” I didn’t care for it, but that’s just how Catholics in Lawrence, MA party.

 

When I told President Trump how empty my prom memories left me feeling, he simply smiled at me and gestured for me to get off his lap. “Wait until you see my new ballroom, Karoline.” He winked at me as he had a thought that would become reality with no oversight. Which, if you ask me, is the ultimate Promposal.

 

Thank you, we will not be accepting questions.