Awkward, Horrible Places That Trump Has Tried To Turn Into Amazing Real Estate Opportunities
“Sad, very sad. These were, to the best of my recollection, fine people. Good people. Some people like to set up the little crosses and things by the road… near the site of the accident. I think that Mexicans do that? That seems… I don’t know about that. I’d rather see a new Cheesecake Factory, right? Something cheerful. Something to turn that frown upside down. They have good stuff, the Cheesecake Factory. Not just cheesecake, either. Burgers and stuff too.”
“Memories of past tragedies can be hard… difficult to swallow. Not difficult to swallow? The wings, cheese twisties and other appetizers at every Thongs N’ Bongs Bikini Hookah Bar location. And this seems like a prime spot. The people who live here… who is it again? Anyway, I’m sure that they have beads and painted rocks and so on to trade for wings and sliders. A little culture would do them good.”
“Such a waste. I feel like I can say that. Suicide… such a waste. These people… they weren’t important people. No one will remember them, or that they killed themselves here. But regardless, it’s still a waste. They seemed to be hippies or something, but regardless… it’s kind of sad, right? I’m going to do something here… a gesture. Something to honor and remember these hippies. This would be a fantastic spot for a Trump’s Tramps Wet T-Shirt Burger Bistro. To honor their memories, and so on. Mention the suicides and get five percent… no, seven percent… off of a bacon burger and lap dance combo. Tell them Trump sent you. Actually, don’t mention my name. You don’t know me.”
“You know… I’m kind of sick of hearing about this. As far as I’m concerned, it’s fake news. These people, they’re doing fine. But if they keep up their squawking, we can quickly drop a Trump In Trunks Elite Water Park somewhere in the area. They seem to enjoy sliding around in water, right?”
“Now these ruins… what is it about that word? Ruins? I don’t know, right? Something about it. Russia is a wonderful place, and the word “ruin” shouldn’t be associated with such a grand place. We need something to add a bit of pizzazz, right? I’d move Yankee Stadium to this exact spot. Call it ‘Trump National Yankee Stadium’. Giuliani won’t get boo’ed there, I can tell you. Well, he might, but only once. Only once, I can tell you. Then the boo’ers, well…. they’ll be dealt with. That’s all I’m saying.”
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
