Welcome to Mom’s Night at the Swanky Swill

It’s our annual Mom’s Night Out here at the Swanky Swill, and have we got a treat for all you fecund females. Surprise! Our mixologist, Klock, has been eavesdropping on your Mommy and Me therapy sessions —I mean classes— for weeks in order to get some real life inspiration for tonight’s libations menu. (Did you really believe that the mustachioed guy at the back of the community center in the jumpsuit and vintage ascot was the janitor? Ha!—you need to sleep more!) Tonight, let Klock do the mixing while you mingle the night away. Complimentary rides home starting at 8:00pm and ending at 8:30pm.

 

LIBATIONS MENU

 

Fertility Treatment. Trying for baby #2? Take a swig of this and you’ll practically manifest that zygote. This potent punch starts with our proprietary Bloody Mommy Mix (the secret ingredient is rabbit’s blood extract), which is mixed with a generous pour of vodka infused with Hilaria Baldwin’s toenails and two whole oysters. It’s all topped with a viscous egg white floater and garnished with a firm and girthy dill pickle. For maximum enjoyment keep your legs raised for twenty minutes after drinking.

 

First Sex After Baby. If you’re wondering what it will feel like to get back on the horse after your six week checkup, this is the drink for you. A spicy blend of Pussers Royal Navy Rum, Milk of Magnesia, and ghost pepper syrup, this bad boy will have you asking, Why? Served in a shot glass generously rimmed with petroleum jelly and garnished with desiccated blood orange rings, you’re going to love it, or at least act like you do.

 

Put a Hat on that Baby (and Other Unsolicited Parenting Advice). Soak up the wisdom of your foremothers with this delicious cocktail, comprising chicha de jora made from the fermented spit of a circle of judgmental grandmothers, breast milk (because it’s what’s best), formula (because it was good enough for them), Guiness (because you look anemic), and celery juice (because it’s time to lose the baby weight). Served in a pint glass etched with the helpful reminder, “Sleep when the baby sleeps!” (also available for purchase).

 

Three-Year-Old Daughter This one goes out to all of your precious little princesses. Don’t you wish you could just bottle them up and keep them like this forever, or at least as long as it takes to read a novel? This drink is the next best thing. We take rosé, Darling Gin, Fireball Whiskey, Funfetti cake mix, three quarters of a chicken nugget, that cookie you were eating, and some edible unicorn slime, and blend it all up with ice. Then, we dump it out on the bar in front of you and serve it with a silly straw and an optional (highly recommended) dusting of Zoloft.

 

Seven-Year-Old Son Raise a glass to your lovable little rogue with this inventive creation. Wild Turkey American Honey Liqueur, Pop Rocks, wasabi, and some dandelions from out back are stirred together with an unwashed index finger. The delicious mix is served in a plastic funtastic Minecraft tumbler, garnished with a wad of chewed gum, and served with a pack of Clorox wipes on the side.

 

Old Fashioned (Parenting) Do you think your moms were losing sleep over nitrates and bilingualism and emotional intelligence? Heck no, and look how great you turned out! The kids will be alright, so enjoy yourselves with some classic flavors. This drink hits you right in the feels from the get-go — lift the lid off the glass and inhale the smoke infusion from a box of Parliament Lights. Then enjoy the combination of Franzia chardonnay, the milk left at the bottom of a bowl of Cookie Crisp, and half a bottle of cough syrup, topped off with a Tab soda floater. Served with a Hot Pocket on the side and presented along with a small portable TV that plays only General Hospital.

 

You’ve Really Let Yourself Go It happens to the best of us. This one’s for all of you that can’t seem to get your shit together. First we muddle some stuff (fruit, herbs, your brains, whatever). Then we take a generous pour of our house moonshine, a pouch of whatever fruit puree is on sale, and the remains of an open LaCroix from last night and kind of swirl at all around. We serve it an unrinsed coffee mug and garnish the whole thing with an In-N-Out Double-Double. Drink this one alone, either in the coat closet or the bathroom, and follow it up with a whole cheesecake chaser.

 

We hope you enjoy this well-earned evening of fun. But, hurry up and order. Your sitter only has two hours!