Your Annual Wellness Check-up With Your New Doctor, RFK Jr.’s Brain Worm

Welcome to your annual well checkup, I’m your physician, Dr. Thaddeus Brain Worm. I know that this may seem a little out of the ordinary, but trust me, I’ve studied in the finest minds. I completed med school in a pig’s anus before landing my residency inside Robert F. Kennedy Jr’s head. The old Bay of Pigs University. A little family joke.

According to your chart, it seems that you’ve gained a little bit of weight over the last year. Stress eating? Yeah, I get it. Protests, uncertainty, and penicillin make us all nervous. It’s completely normal. I’m going to prescribe you heroin. That should take the edge off.

I see from your chart that you are also fully vaccinated? Let me ask you, have you had any bouts of rational or critical thinking? Do you feel like you have a touch of the ‘tism? Do you find yourself allergic to reasoning? Well, just to be sure, we need to start you on a cleanse immediately and wash those toxins right out of you.

Drink bleach for a week. Yup, that is totally a real thing. Like, a whole bunch of dumbasses think that works. Well, let’s find out. If you survive, come back to me and let’s see where we are at. We’ll follow up the bleach thing with bloodletting. I’m going to prescribe medical-grade leaches. You can pick them up at your local swamp or the next GOP convention.

Let’s now go over your living situation. It appears that you reside in an area that has had a recent outbreak of measles? Or is it tuberculosis? I get so confused sometimes, the eradicated plagues just keep on coming and coming. Luckily, there is a way to fight against these things. Have you ever heard of Typhoid Mary?

She passed Typhoid to a shit ton of people back in 1800s, when medicine was at its peak. But here’s the thing, she never got sick herself. So, I want you to travel to different outbreak sites and get that disease. Then, you won’t get sick! The logic is undeniable. Do you know of any good leper colonies?

No, don’t get up and leave. We are so not done. Someone strap her down please, she’s got the wondering uterus thing. The silly woman is hysterical. Let’s masturbate her and calm her down. We’ll use the two-inch medicinal dildo. We call it Goliath and RFK Jr. refuses to be in the room with it. Something about how no one is that large and girthy.

Alright, let’s go back over your tests, and I have to tell you, I’m concerned about your Ivermectin numbers. I mean, there’s no trace of it in your system. Every morning, I want you to switch your lotion to Ivermectin. Face, body, taint—just rub that shit everywhere. Osmosis will take over then. Or not. I’m not sure what that term means but it’s fun to say. Osmosis. Osmosis. Osmosis Jones! Did you ever see that? It’s a documentary.

Also, I want you to start taking suppositories. No reason, it’s just fun to stick things up your butt. RFK did it all the time. Pills, fingers, his family legacy. Whatever is handy that you no longer value.

Finally, let’s check your moral reflexes. I’ll gauge your reflexive facial reactions to certain words and phrases. Ready? Do you need another masturbating before we begin? No? Ok, let’s start.

Nazi gangbangs

Concentration camps for the mentally ill.

Ill-conceived national healthcare policy proposed by a heroin addict with a brain worm.

Interesting. Interesting. Did you always have that twitch above your eye or is it a recent development? Rub some Ivermectin on it and everything should clear up.

Alright, we are about done, but I don’t think you are healthy at all. So, we are going to have you removed to Guantanamo Bay. ICE will be here in a bit. Think of it as a nice torture vacation for those that refuse to play ball with the regime. Yeah, we’re a regime now! It’s like a club. Oh, let’s say it like the cool kids.  In the clurb we are all family.  Except you.

Anyway, I’ve got to run. I’ve got VIP tickets to the Kennedy Center. Did you know Kid Rock has a residency there now? Like, no shit, Kid Rock! The guy who grew up rich but cosplays as white trash. Man, what an American. I cured a single herp of his and now I get to go to all his shows.

I’ll see in you in six months if you survive any of the treatments.