Best Of 2021

Bob Ross Teaches the Joy of Painting Your Crippling Anxiety

Hi, I’m Bob Ross and I would like to welcome you to the Joy of Painting your Crippling Anxiety. If this is your first time with us, let me extend our personal invention for you to get your brushes, your paints, and your crushed supply of Xanax. Remember, when you snort it, things happen a lot faster.

Let’s get started. Today we are going to put some of nature’s masterpieces right here on the canvas. We’ll use about a dozen magical colors and the same number of imagined heart attacks.

We’ll start with a nice little set of mountains in the background of our anxiety painting. Make them large and looming, almost as if they are always judging your choices. Or are they all of your responsibilities just over the horizon? Probably a little bit of both. Each painting tells its own little story and here, you can make that story whatever you want.

Now let’s add a nice little calm stream right here in the center running away from those mountains of judgment. Oh, I think this going to be a fast stream with lots of turns and chaos, just like your dating life. Is that an STD bubbling up? I don’t know, but it can be whatever you want it to be! Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be ghosted soon. Was it something you said? Almost for sure. Let’s really focus on that for the rest of the night and never let it go.

Do you know what that anxiety stream needs? A giant boulder to make sure the water overflows and infects the rest of your painting. So, we are going to combine just a little of our Medical Bill Yellow and with just a bit of Depression Cyan, and just drop that boulder right in the middle. Oh, do you feel the pins and needles running across your chest?  Life is so much fun when you paint your anxiety.

There, that looks like a wonderful nightmare. And no nightmare would be complete without some happy little bushes around the banks. Just feather your brush, and quickly twist your arm as if you just heard the phone ringing. Why is it ringing? Why didn’t they just send a text? That little unknown number is going to sit in your head for weeks. Someone you love probably was calling because they’ve been kidnapped and you’re their only hope, and now they’re dead because you didn’t act.  Don’t you love it when obsessive thoughts escalate all on their own? Now, look at that bank, full of happy little bushes and happy blank voicemails. Painting is so relaxing.

Now, what do we need in our little version of anxiety? Trees, of course. Trees always make the world a better place. Just some happy little trees. Paint straight up and then feather and turn your brush when you don’t expect it. Maybe you’re about to get fired, and these trees will be your only shelter. One tree, two trees, and more trees! Wow, would you look at that? It’s a social gathering of trees.

And I think, yes, I think you are the guest of honor. All those trees, so many trees, have invited you to the party and you have to go. You have to make tree small talk and they will all stare at you. Some might even sing while staring at you. Doesn’t that make wonderful sense? And at the end of the party, they are going to give you all of your unopened mail that you’ve been ignoring for the last several months.

Finally, let’s add some Covid-19 mist. Combine a little of the deep black that looks like your future and mix it with just a dab of Unreasonable Expectation Orange. Notice how it looks like flames? Just lightly guide your brush over the entirety of your whole painting. Just easy strokes, back and forth, and now your painting is on fire. Oops, the brush got away from us there.

That’s ok, there are no mistakes here. Just happy little panic attacks. There, isn’t that just a wonderful anxiety painting?

Thank you for stopping by today for the Joy of Painting Your Crippling Anxiety. I would love to see some photographs of what you’re doing. Until then, from all of us here, I’ll see you at bedtime.