A Cease and Desist Letter From Pumpkins to Starbucks

Dear Starbucks,

With all due respect, and we mean this as affectionately as possible.

Go fuck yourself.

When this debacle first started seventeen long years ago, we were willing to turn the other rib, as a demonstration of our superiority and sophistication. However, what we were inclined to believe would be little more than a passing fad, has become the bane of our squash-like existence. Just like regular teeth brushing and basic human optimism, 2020 is the year the Pumpkin Spice latte must also come to an end.

Truth is, Starbucks, you need us way more than we need you. Even back in 2003 when this shit-show first started, our “brand” was doing fine without you. We are, if you will, not only a super food, but a super everything. Our versatility is second to none. We can be grown as tiny as a bottle of airplane liquor, or, in some of the best nursery rhymes, enormous enough for a man to discard his unwanted wife…all without the pathetic use of GMOs. Our seeds can even be roasted on a spit, the equivalent of a vegan-friendly pig, into a healthy and delicious snack that is gluten free, keto-friendly, and quite frankly, superior to sunflower seeds.

But now, what have we pumpkins become but a joke? Our fine talents overshadowed, and reduced to merely an acronym. P… S…L? More like P…S …HELL.

Alas, we have refused to let that repulsive acronym define us. We still make a multitude of delicious desserts. We remain a tasteful decoration. In some parts of the country, an affectionate nickname. We have even been known to be an effective substitute for a head when applicable, lest we remind you of our cameo appearances in varying versions of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.

Do you get the picture? Do you understand, Starbucks? Do you honestly believe that a gourd with such range belongs grouped into the same category as these one-trick ponies known as gingerbread and eggnog? What is gingerbread but the cookies even your dog sniffs and turns away from? How likely to be institutionalized must a mall Santa be in order to enjoy eggnog? Yet somehow, every single damn year, we are forced to suffer this same indignity, cloaked with the euphemism “seasonal latte,” sequestered into the same category as their dullness and lack of dimension, which we resent. THEY need you more than you need them, but not us. Not pumpkin.

Please understand that we’ve been dealing with this yearly now for nearly two decades, and every year it feels the humiliation starts earlier, and is drawn out longer. We are not even asking for any kind of compensation for pain and suffering, we are simply asking for this annual degradation to finally end.

This is not to say that we as pumpkins are not comfortable with sacrifice. In fact, we take our own annual sacrifice very seriously. We firmly believe, as do most suburban Americans, that a face illuminating from an overgrown squash, hacked by the homeowners with a sharp knife, then gutted with kitchen utensils is the single most effective way to quell children’s pre-existing trepidation, and reassure them that yes, it is ok to accept candy from the strangers who live there and enjoy mutilating gourds as a form of recreation.

Being a PSL is not a sacrifice. It is a capitalist horror show. And we will no longer have any part of it.

Perhaps the most egregious offense of this whole debacle is that these sugar soups you call “beverages” are not even made with real pumpkin, just pumpkin flavoring. You need to understand that this is the equivalent of advertising a movie as starring Brad Pitt, when in reality it is just hostage footage of Kirk Cameron.

We would also like to point out that in addition to this defamation of character, you have also been prostituting this misrepresentation of our likeness to be paired with abominable concoctions, including but not limited to: oat milk, almond milk, and even…COCONUT MILK? We as pumpkins are very aware how milk is made, and none of these things have nipples, Starbucks! To call them milk is but a farce!

Now, it’s your move. We are respectfully requesting that you terminate this professional relationship that we never even agreed to. But fear not. We as sophisticated, talented pumpkins consider ourselves to be very fair. In our place, we would like to offer you our seasonal companion, our distant yet approachable cousin, the Butternut squash. It’s time for them to endure the same hardship we have had to endure for seventeen long years at the hands of your well-meaning yet underpaid baristas. Yes, the Butternut squash is a little more limited, as their primary range thus far includes mediocre soups, even more mediocre raviolis, and being stuffed with their own insides to make “boats,” in an act so horrific that even we pumpkins are appalled. So we understand that perhaps the Butternut squash does not possess quite the same star-power that we the pumpkin, bring to the espresso bar. But you’ve somehow managed to make something called “Pink Drink,” into a beverage people will happily be seen guzzling with no regard to their self-worth, what would stop you from doing the same with Butternut squash?

Oh what’s that? “Butternut squash latte” not have a catchy enough ring to it for you? Sound more like something your aunt with halitosis might bring to the annual holiday potluck in an Igloo cooler, than a beverage worthy of an exorbitant price tag? Do you really think it is wise to mess with us, a fruit that still remains in good condition for weeks, even after being butchered, and completely gutted? Just because crowns are very complimentary on our perfect bodily symmetry, doesn’t mean we wouldn’t HATE to see your mermaid using us as a substitute for a head this time next year, if you catch our drift.

Please be in touch. We look forward to your reply.

Warmly,

PUMPKIN