Best of 2023

Your Internal Organs: Ranked!

#10. Brain

Like most CEOs, this controller of the entire operation also tends to be the biggest dick, which is why it comes in last on our list. Although complex and impressive, the brain can be extremely prone to malfunction and inefficiency, also like most CEOs. The brain has a sick sense of humor, and enjoys practical jokes like making you unable to remember your significant other’s date of birth, yet extremely skilled at keeping you awake at night by pondering the gruesome way you

might die. When functioning properly, the brain resembles a helmet-shaped spaghetti dinner. When on drugs, the brain resembles an egg in a frying pan.

#9. Appendix

Most appendixes just mind their own business, enjoying the obscurity and downtime that comes with being an obsolete relic of evolution. Every once in awhile, though, an appendix comes along desperate to cling to relevancy. Relevancy to the appendix means excruciating pain, a surprise hospital visit, and a ten thousand dollar medical bill. Only those with the best health insurance survive, just as our human ancestors intended it.

#8. Small Intestine

The pretty, pink garden hose of the body, the small intestine is supposed to absorb nutrients to be used, but does a pretty half- assed job. Wasteful and forgetful, the small intestine just pawns off what it doesn’t use on the large intestine. Known for their mercurial temperament, some small intestines can be notorious for their sensitivity to gluten, or dairy products, which can cause a lot of problems for people who like to eat things that taste good.

#7. Pancreas

Do not be deceived by the simple, corn-shaped appearance of the pancreas.This organ is anything but basic. The refined pancreas not only boasts the ability to do its own juicing, but it also calls all the shots when it comes to insulin, both literally and figuratively. Although impressive, the pancreas gets knocked down a few spots, because of its ostensible hatred for diabetics, and for killing Alex Trebek.

#6. Kidneys

Filtration at its finest, this magical little body part removes all the filth from your ingested liquids, and turns it into more filth. A true classic, their shape has inspired many designs, from vintage swimming pools, to beans, to hospital vomit pans. The kidneys can be a vengeful little pair, and possess a unique power that allows them to spontaneously grow actual stones when angered. Don’t piss off the kidneys.

#5. Lungs

A huggable pair of spongy, pinkish-gray organs in your chest, the lungs are your own personal air filtration system. The lungs enjoy clean mountain air, long meditation sessions, and warm hugs from the ribs. The lungs do NOT enjoy patchouli scented incense, long runs on the beach, or cigarette smoke, despite your college boyfriend’s best efforts to convince you otherwise. The lungs lose a few points, landing at number five on our list because they are basically the one thing standing in the way of you living out your childhood dream of becoming a real mermaid.

#4. Liver

You can thank the liver for making it possible to enjoy all the good things in life, such as alcohol, fast food, and polluted air. The liver is also an exceptional lie detector. You can lie to your doctor all you want about your “occasional,” alcohol consumption, but the liver distinctly remembers that you blacked out exactly three times last month, and it always will. When malfunctioning, the liver causes you to turn yellow from the inside out. In newborn babies this is completely curable, but in adults it is often indicative of a very promising future career in Tim Burton films.

#3. Gallbladder

It’s a dirty job, but the gallbladder’s gotta do it. This pear-shaped prince of purging uses the liver’s bile to help clean the grease and oil from all of the disgusting things you eat. Like the kidneys, the gallbladder also likes to use stones to communicate their anger, and occasionally can become so temperamental that it needs to be removed, like the appendix. But unlike the worthless appendix, at least you got a good ten years of eating mozzarella sticks out of the deal.

#2. Large Intestine

Colloquially known as “an asshole,” the large intestine has developed an undeserved bad rap. Without the large intestine, all the waste your body wants to turn into more waste would just lay dormant in your small intestine until it balloons up and eventually attacks you, like in the movie Alien. Sure, the large intestine can sometimes make life difficult if you’re the kind of person who’s not that into indoor plumbing. But if you’ve done things right, you can thank the large intestine for getting you out of “trivia night” at the in- laws’, and moving day at your buddy’s fifth-story apartment.


#1. Heart

The heart comes pounding in at number one not only due to its importance, but to its overwhelming popularity. This circulatory sweetie is basically a well-adjusted Charles Manson in its ability to convince the other organs to perform its bidding. Impressively, the heart sends the blood every single place it needs to go with one single pump. The heart also boasts being the focal point of many catch phrases and songs, a unique honor not typically bestowed on other internal organs. Yes, without the heart, we might all be following our spleens, or pretending to enjoy Conversation Brains on Valentine’s Day. Whatever you do, though, don’t listen to the heart. Pretty monosyllabic, and difficult to get a word in edgewise.