2020 has been a challenging year, with each day bringing new terrors, and classic Urban Legends don’t have the same impact they once did. We’ve updated some well-known legends for 2020, so we can all keep scaring teenage babysitters.
The Stolen Kidney
Original: In this tale, a young man is seduced by a beautiful woman. The following morning, he awakens in a bathtub full of ice to find one of his kidneys has been removed for sale on the black market.
2020: A beautiful woman seduces a young anti-vaxxer. The following morning he awakens in a bathtub full of cotton balls to find his arms covered with band-aids and a document containing a list of all the vaccinations he received.
Original: A teenage boy and girl are fooling around in his car when an alert comes on the radio, saying a mental patient with a hook for a hand has escaped from the nearby asylum. There is a scraping sound on the hood of the car, and the teens drive off. A bloody hook is found in the car’s door handle when they stop.
2020 Update: A teenage boy and girl are fooling around in his car when a mass text alert notifies both of their phones. It’s an urgent announcement that a mental patient has been elected into the US presidency. They drive home in silence. When the girl gets out of the car, she screams. There is a MAGA hat jammed in the car’s door handle.
The Babysitter and the Clown Statue
Original: A babysitter is taking care of a neighbor’s children for the first time. The parents call during the evening to check in on her and the kids. The babysitter asks if she can cover their clown statue because it’s scary. The parents respond, “Get the children and get out of the house; we don’t have a clown statue.”
2020: A babysitter is taking care of a neighbor’s children for the first time. The parents call during the evening to check in on her and the kids. The babysitter asks if she can cover their confederate statue because it’s scary. The parents respond, “Get the children and get out of the house; we don’t have a confederate statue.”
Humans Can Lick, Too
Original: A scared, young woman listens to an ominous dripping coming from within her home. She is calmed by her faithful dog, who licks her hand from under the bed. Eventually, she investigates the noise only to find her dog slaughtered and a message written in blood: “humans can lick hands, too.”
2020: A scared, young woman listens to ominous coughing coming from within her home. She is calmed by her faithful dog, who licks her hands and arms from under the bed. Tired, she repeatedly rubs her eyes and face. Eventually, she investigates the noise only to find her dog slaughtered and a message written in blood: “HUMANS CAN LICK TOO I AM COVID-19 POSITIVE”
The Green Ribbon
Original: A girl named Jenny, who always wears a green ribbon around her neck, meets a boy named Alfred. She refuses to reveal to Alfred why she wears the ribbon, and even when the two are wed, she wears the ribbon. After reaching old age, Jenny lets Alfred untie the ribbon, causing her head to fall onto the floor
2020: A girl named Jenny always wears a green surgical mask, even when in her home or asleep. She refuses to reveal to her husband why she wears the mask indoors and continues wearing the mask even when it is no longer necessary to prevent COVID. After reaching old age, Jenny lets her husband remove her mask, revealing a tattoo of Juggalo Clown makeup across her jaw and chin.
The Call is Coming from Inside the House
Original: A teenage babysitter keeps getting a creepy call where a voice whispers, “Have you checked the children?” The babysitter calls the police, who say they will trace the call. When the police call back, they say, “Get out, the call is coming from inside the house.”
2020 Update: Your cell phone keeps receiving texts that say things like “The US is GREAT” and “COVID is NBD LOL.” You block the sender but then start receiving calls from an unknown number, and a creepy voice says, “Have you checked the unemployment rate?” You take your phone to the police and they trace the blocked number. Once they locate the caller, they say, “Get out of the country. The call is coming from inside the White House.”
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Tab has written and performed for The Second City, iO Chicago, The Annoyance Theatre,
and Dallas Comedy House, among other theaters. Her writing can be seen on Points in Case, The Haven, Medium, and other places.
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