A Day-In-The-Life of Alex Jones’ College Intern

6:45 AM: I hardly slept a wink all night. I start my internship today. I’m so pumped! Sure it’s unpaid, but mom says the skills I will learn will be priceless. I can’t believe I got an internship with Infowars. Amaze-balls! I am not super sure what I’ll be doing, but anything’s better than having to nanny for the Becker twins again. Gosh they are temperamental and kinda creepy.

7:45 AM: I am showered, my make-up is on, and I’m wearing a super cute Vineyard Vines linen schoolboy blazer and matching skirt mom bought me. I almost forgot to put on my American Flag lapel pin. I am hoping my look says, “star spangled intern!” Lunch is packed and I head to the office.

8:15 AM: I arrive at the address the HR guy gave me. The building says “Oak Shipping” on the outside. Weird! I walk in anyway and stop at an office marked Rep. Ken Paxton on the door. I ask the woman at the front desk where the Infowars studio is in the building? She promptly tells me to “hush,” then draws me a map on a coffee stained Post-It Note. She told me to burn the note after I reach my destination. Weird… anyway, I hope I’m not late.

8:20 AM: I finally get to the location indicated on the Post-It Note. Whew, I’m on time. The office door says “Free-Speech Systems, LLC.” This is it! The door is locked. The HR guy said to knock three short knocks and then one long knock. Sorta odd, but whatever. A small peep hole opens. I tell the peephole I’m the new intern. I hear a series of deadbolts unlock, then the door opens, and I’m whisked inside.

8:25 AM: I am told to empty the contents of my purse and then frisked. Wait until I tell my sorority sister Claire. She’s interning with the NRA. I bet she didn’t get a cavity check on her first day. She’ll be so super jealous!

8:45 AM: The HR guy shows me to my new cubicle and tells me I’ll be called in to meet with Alex Jones shortly. This is so exciting! While waiting I enjoy the soothing sounds of Infowars streaming on the wall-mounted television. Alex Jones is talking about how the media is trying to turn our brains into queso dip by playing Cardi B. songs subliminally during NFL games. I’m feeling enlightened already.

9:00 AM: I enter the Infowars studio and see Alex Jones – my new boss. I’m feeling kinda dizzy with delight. He’s shouting at someone, a producer I think, accusing the producer of plotting with the government in a biohazard attack against him by substituting Puff’s Facial Tissues for the usual Kleenex Lotion Tissues with Aloe. The producer was then zip-tied, gagged, and hauled away by security. I wonder where they took him? Oh well.

9:05 AM: The time has come and I finally get to meet my paleoconservative mentor in the flesh. He shakes my hand and then tells me to get him a cup of coffee and a raspberry danish, “stat.” I return with the beverage and pastry and he promptly tasks me to research whether Oprah and Elon Musk are working with country of Montenegro to design a submersible sailing system in order to control the Pacific Ocean’s tides. My first assignment! I’m beyond thrilled.

2:35 PM: After some time surfing the internet I wasn’t able to substantiate Oprah and Elon Musk’s fiendish plan. However, I was able to find some interesting images of Glenn Beck in an Adidas track suit at a Trader Joe’s and found out Megan Markle is actually a sleeper agent for the Vatican. I wonder if Alex Jones would find this information helpful?

4:15 PM: After a few more hours of research and several requests from Alex Jones for a variety things such as a dessert tray from Corner Bakery, Kerasal Intensive Foot Care cream, and “that lip balm that isn’t shiny but has a minty odor in the orange tube and it isn’t made in Malaysia,” I’m told I did a good job today.

6:00 PM: It’s quitting time, but my mind is abuzz with all I have seen, heard, and learned today. I want to continue to harness this energy and find out all I can for Alex Jones.

7:00 PM: After a quaint dinner of Crock Pot chili and corn bread with mom, dad, and my little brother, I head straight to my bedroom to continue my internet research. There must be something I can find out about the Oprah/Elon Musk/Montenegro connection, right?

10:40 PM: I think I may be on to something, but all the excitement of the day has tired me out. The satisfaction I felt today helping this trailblazing truth seeker feeds my soul. Today I was a star spangled intern.