Bob Woodward’s apparent vivisection of the Trump presidency, next Tuesday’s book release Fear, is said to be an uncompromisingly critical take-down of our embarrassingly inept leader. There were so many horrible stories about Trump, in fact, that they wouldn’t all fit into the book. As with benefits to the poor and disadvantaged, cuts had to be made, and so many stories were ultimately left out of the hefty volume. Here are but a few.
“… in fact, one of the few people regularly seen in the halls of the White House to get behind Trump is Rusty Kankler, the man who refills the White House vending machines. ‘He’s a great guy… great guy.’ Rusty enthuses, a wide grin taking over the bottom half of his face. ‘I now have to refill these machines twice as often, at least, as I ever have had to before! One time, he was waiting at the machine for me to arrive, and I got him to autograph a package of Ring Dings! That fetched me a pretty penny on the dark web, I can tell you!’.”
“… and if you think that his staffers have horrible things to say about him (which, obviously, they do), then you should hear the mumbled obscenities of White House janitor Junior Melendez. ‘Stupid fat asshole…’, he mutters to himself as he scrubs furiously on the floor surrounding one of many commodes used by the president, ‘how do you miss the toilet when you’re sitting on it all of the fucking time?’. Junior has a complicated history with the White House, being one of only seven White House janitors to have at one point been members of the often-rumored Illuminati. ‘I was right there, at the fucking top…’ Junior grouses, ‘but then one of the human sacrifices I brought in wasn’t a virgin, as it turns out… that’s all it takes… you’re out.’ To add insult to injury, the person who changed Junior’s human sacrifice status from virgin to non-virgin, was… three guesses…. Trump. ‘That fat, swollen piece of shit…’ Junior almost whispers, tears beginning to form in the corners of his eyes. ‘First he shits on me, and then on everything that I touch here at the White House.’ And the rest of the country as well, Junior.”
“… but perhaps the person who hates Trump more than anyone else, which admittedly is saying quite a lot, is Vicky Lindstrom, the woman who tallies the president’s lies for the Washington Post’s regular reports on same. ‘Please… please, for the love of God… I haven’t slept in three months….’ she pleads, her face a contorted patchwork of terror and confusion. What was once a relatively simple, relaxing even, job… keeping track of lies told by the American president… has suddenly become a near-Herculean task of mind-boggling proportions. ‘I want to die…’ she says aloud into the room, seemingly to no one in particular, ‘Please… won’t you help me die?’ It chills one to the bones; or that could just be due to the fact that the very overweight and sweaty Trump has significantly lowered the air-conditioning temperatures in the White House since becoming president.”
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence