The Best Goddamned Surprise 30th Birthday Party Ever

All right ladies, let’s huddle up, it’s almost go time and we need to do a quick check-in to make sure we are ready to roll for Karen’s special day.  Sean will be bringing Karen here in t-minus sixty minutes. We all know he will probably screw things up and bring her early.  We still have a ton to do ladies to make this the best-goddamned surprise 30th birthday party ever!

Right Sasha?  This will be the best surprise party EVER!  We don’t want any repeats of that taco fiesta-themed shitshow you concocted last month for my 30th birthday.  What would make you think I would want to strap on a serape, wear a sombrero, and beat the hell out of a piñata on my 30th birthday?  I looked like an idiot.  That’s right, hang your head in shame Sasha.

As I was saying, we still have stuff for this party to do so pay attention!

Now Paige, you call those balloons yellow?  Did I not tell you Karen’s favorite color is yellow?  She looks so great when she wears that yellow sundress doesn’t she – almost ethereal.  I wonder if she will be wearing it tonight?  Paige, you know what the color yellow looks like don’t you?  Fucking Big Bird, lemons, and piss are all yellow.  Those balloons look like the color of the diarrhea I had after Sasha’s Mexican food birthday train wreck.  Do you want Karen’s first impression of the party to be the balloons that look like the shit in a baby’s diaper? Take those damn things down and get your ass to a party store for some Y-E-L-L-O-W balloons.

Christine, where did you get that cake?  Did you make that heap of garbage yourself or were you trying to be fancy and pass this Pepperidge Farm trash off as a legitimate birthday cake?  What a colossal screw up.  Karen’s favorite flavor is red velvet. Don’t you remember when we were out to dinner that one night and she ordered red velvet cake for dessert?  She had a little crumb of it stuck on her face and I oh so gently caressed her cheek to wipe it off.  Of course, this cake isn’t quite as hideous as the stale churros Sasha served at my birthday party.  Hey Sasha, do you remember how I cracked my tooth eating those churros at the birthday party YOU threw for me?  Back to the cake – Christine, I knew I couldn’t trust you with something as important as getting a cake for Karen. No wonder everyone hates you.  Now find a bakery stat and get a real cake that doesn’t look like something Betty Crocker shit out.  And don’t forget the candles you dimwit.  God I hate you Christine.

Maddie, are you trying to sabotage Karen’s surprise party on purpose or are you just the worst “friend” ever?  I told you to get the Rodolphe Le Meunier Brie for the cheese plate.  This runny mess looks like Kroger grocery store Brie.  Do you want Karen to eat Kroger Brie on her special day?  You must really hate Karen don’t you?  Is it because she is prettier, smarter, and sexier than you? Or is it because people actually like to be around Karen?  That must be why you brought that rancid mess here. It’s almost as rancid as that guacamole Sasha served at my 30th birthday party.  Remember that Sasha?  Remember how half the party guests got food poisoning from that E.Coli-laced dip you passed off as guac?

Ellie, darling, I am not sure if you are aware of this, but this is a party for an ADULT not a group of zit-faced Gen Zers.  You seriously were going to play this music for Karen?  If you don’t turn off that “Cotton Eyed Joe” remix I am going to punch you in the face and throw you and your playlist off my balcony.  You know that Karen loves 80’s music.  Karen is such a good dancer.  She moves her hips so beautifully. Ellie, this music is almost as bad as that wanna-be Mariachi band Sasha hired for my surprise party.  I wanted to stab myself in the ears with those stale churros to make the noise stop. Now get on Spotify and play some Whitney Houston you halfwit.

Katie, I swear, you must be the village idiot.  I know you would never park your car right in front of a SURPRISE party, now would you? Did you not think Karen wouldn’t recognize your SEXYGRL license plate and wonder what you are doing here?  Karen really should have that license plate on her car don’t you think?  Katie, did you not read the memo I sent detailing my parking expectations?  Do you want to ruin the perfect surprise party for Karen?  You really are the stupidest person I know.  Get your keys and move your goddamn jalopy, then go sit in the corner.  I can’t even look at you.

Shhh, everybody, I just got a text from Sean, they are almost here.  I told you he would screw things up and be early.  The dip wad probably doesn’t know how to tell time.  Karen could really do so much better couldn’t she?  Someone who would love her, and take care of her, and show up to parties at the right time.

Everyone take your places NOW.  Don’t make me repeat myself!  I truly hate you Christine.  Sasha! Jesus Christ, will you get in position! Don’t make me come over there.  You would think you would learn from my birthday party, I am not afraid to shiv you with a churro.  Everybody ready?