Originals

A Definitive Ranking Of Things To Do About An Hour After You Eat Your Thanksgiving Meal

by Adam Dietz

Text your high school ex something vague and then block her

 

This choice, which typically goes hand in hand with another entry farther down on the list: start drinking more, is pretty much always a terrible idea. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not an attractive one. Egged on by your cousin Roy, who is dating a woman way out of his league, you pull out your phone and draft a couple of different options to send to a girl you dated 8 years before, but haven’t really spoken to since. Is she married? Does she have kids? Does she still really like Greenday? Who can say? But on Thanksgiving night, as the sun drifts well beneath the pines that line your parent’s backyard, it’s time for you to shoot your shot. So after much deliberation, you settle on something thematic, like Gobble Gobble or Hey Audrey, pass the stuffing! and press send. She responds instantaneously with a Who is this? You promptly block her number and join the game of Rummy actively occurring in the kitchen. Any gnarly sets and runs bestowed upon you by Aunt Laurie will pale in comparison to the massive L that you just took.

 

Go the bathroom and sit on your phone 

 

Depending on the number of bathrooms in the house, this is a fantastic option for someone looking to get away and possibly take care of some business at the same time. However, if you find yourself in a house with one bathroom in a centrally-located area, you might as well just throw this idea out the window. You’ll have someone knocking every couple of minutes and when you finally do make your grand exit, someone will inevitably raise an eyebrow and ask if everything is okay. The bathroom gamut works best if you can find a private on-suite upstairs with a power outlet nearby. Park that keister on that porcelain throne and enjoy yourself some time alone.



 

Go to your childhood friend’s house and feel sad about how much things have changed

 

Offering the ability to step away from the post-meal stench that has overtaken your home, hopping in the car and paying a visit to one of your old high school buddies always sounds better than it actually is. You and your pal can sit in his unchanged childhood bedroom, studying the Detroit Red Wings posters that have lined the wall since the Clinton administration and make smalltalk about the banality of your lives. Major topics of conversation: funny things that happened 10-15 years ago. Remember when ____________ drank too much ___________ and fell asleep in the _____________? You both remember it well, but much like that King of Queens DVD set that sits atop his dusty dresser, some things are better left in the past.

 

Help cleanup

 

Invariably dull, but appreciated, cleanup duties after the meal shouldn’t just be relegated to the aging moms out there. Honestly, your 81-year-old Aunt, who just had hip surgery, probably doesn’t need to be scrubbing a casserole dish when your virile cousin Roy bragged about doing a triathlon mere hours ago. Now, I’m not saying you should absolutely help take on cleanup duties an hour after the meal, but you should definitely offer. This perceived act of kindness will buy you a lot of goodwill that you can cash in at a later point in the day. And also, no one is going to take you up on it because “you’ll just get in the way.”

 

Start drinking more

 

Always a popular choice, mostly due to its ease in execution – continuing to drink well into thanksgiving night, unfortunately, offers just as many pros as cons. Pro: you kind of forget where you are. Con: the judgemental eyes of your mother. Pro: someone in your extended family brought Grey Goose. Con: It’s your cousin Roy and he won’t stop talking about it. Pro: people don’t see you enough to know how drunk you really are. Con: you’ll have to face yourself tomorrow.

 

Continue to eat

 

Maybe you’ve got a big boi appetitive or maybe you’re just a glutton for punishment, but an hour after the meal is typically when people start to think about putting those leftovers to work. Perhaps you nuke a few of your favorite dishes for a retread, perhaps you throw a bunch of shit between a couple of slices of bread for a Scooby Doo-style sandwich, or perhaps you quietly stand next to the dishes, shove in a fork, and take an errant bite when no one is looking. Whatever choice you make, it’ll be the wrong one and you’ll pay dearly for it.

 

Go for walk alone

 

With a full belly and a weariness for the topic of conversation dujour, getting some fresh air and a little exercise can seem like an attractive option. Plugging in your headphones, queuing up some choice John Denver, and briskly doing a few laps around the block is a great way to get some alone time without seeming too standoffish. The only concern: someone else wants to join you and it’s your cousin Roy. On second thought, maybe it’s too cold for a walk anyway.

 

Lay down in front of the television to watch football & fall asleep

 

Loaded to the brim with carbs and cranberries and with most of the furniture being monopolized by the more senior members of your family, sprawling out in the middle of the living room floor with a pillow and an eye toward the television is a great way to spend the 9-10 hours that follow a Thanksgiving meal. If positioned correctly, no one will ever truly know if you’re sleeping or watching, which is where you thrive. And don’t worry about cheering or excitement, the Detroit Lions are playing.

 

Argue with your dad about which Rocky movie is best

 

Is it the oscar-winning original? Is it the one with Hulk Hogan? Is it the one where they go to Russia and Rocky gives his kid a robot? Or is it the Michael B. Jordan one with all the ATV’s? While your mileage may vary and film tastes are inherently subjective, debating the merits of all eight Rocky-related films, including Rocky Balboa, isn’t the worst way to pass the time. Your dad will start to sweat a little bit, your mom will try to steer the conversation elsewhere, and you’ll start to hear the whine of childhood in your voice as your argument as to why Rocky III is the best one continues to fall on deaf ears. Your cousin Roy says the fifth one is underrated because, of course he does.

 

Go home

 

If afforded the great luxury, and let there be no doubt it is a luxury, of going home one hour after your thanksgiving meal, clutch onto that opportunity like there’s no tomorrow. Grab your coat from the bedroom, kiss your Aunt Karen on the cheek, and tell your cousin Roy that you promise to connect with him on LinkedIn, before you slip out the door, never to be seen again… until next year.