That’s A Party School
That’s a party school. At that school, all they do is party. I had a friend that went there, and all he did was party every second of every day. He said he would party in the morning, party in the evening, and then party at supper time. He partied so much that he had to go to the campus doctor midway through the first semester. Want to know what the doctor’s diagnosis was? A mild case of Party-itus. Want to know what the doctor prescribed him? More partying. My friend said by the time he got his degree, he had partied so much that he wasn’t even sure what he’d majored in. Upon getting his diploma at graduation, he learned that he had actually obtained a BA in partying. My friend’s grandma was proud when he walked across the stage to get his diploma, but she was concerned when she saw that the dean was wearing a backwards hat and white Oakleys. At that school, even the Dean freaking parties, I swear. And yeah sure, before grandma boarded the plane back to Houston, she got in on the action as well. Grandma partied so hard she forgot she lived during the Great Depression. So that was positive.
At that school, they really drink when they party. You know that ornate fountain near the entrance of campus? Yeah, that’s not water in there. It’s beer! My cousin who went there said that in the summer, they fill it with Natural Light and in the winter, Natural Ice. They party with beer a ton at that school. So much so that my cousin’s freshman orientation didn’t take him into any buildings or classes, nope the whole thing was one long pub crawl. He said that on the last stop of the booze tour, his Academic Advisor showed up, shot-gunned a tallboy, and said “Welcome, to college.” I mean it doesn’t get any more party-centric than that. You know that thing some colleges do where they bring puppies to campus to cheer up depressed kids? At that school, I guess even the therapy dogs drink beer. Apparently watching a Cavalier King Charles sneak sips of Keystone cheers everyone right up. At that school, they definitely take partying with beer very seriously. So much so that US News & World Report had that school 4th on their list of “schools that take beer seriously” list they did back in 2019. I don’t think they do that list anymore but if they did that school would probably be 1st or 2nd.
At that school, they hold massive parties with very unique themes. Like the Monkeybone party where everyone dresses like Chris Kattan from the 2000s film, or they also do a blanket party where everything just traipses around in their favorite blanket while taking shots and playing beer pong. Basically every event on campus turns into a massive party where everyone slowly but surely goes buckwild. Poetry readings? They become spoken word ragers. Athletic events? Even the squash players are sloshes. Office hours? More like office power hours, where you and your sociology professor pound drinks from 4-6 pm on Tuesdays. At that school, parties can start without a moment’s notice, sort of like a flash mob but with less synchronized dancing and with more outright partying. The only time I visited that school, I was walking through the quad when out of nowhere a conga line started up. Next thing I know, I’m drinking a Mai Tai, wearing a Hawaiann shirt, and I am having the time of my damn life. At that school, you’re going to learn a lot about how to party. In fact, that’s all you’re going to learn.
Yeah, that school is a party school and I wish to hell they hadn’t rejected my application
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Adam Dietz is a writer and the host of the Home Improvement (the sitcom) podcast “Home Impodcast.” His work has been featured in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Slackjaw, and The Art of Autism. He lives in Milwaukee with his partner and their two cats.
