Turkey: You basic bitch. Of course, you’re into turkey. You love being the center of attention. You definitely see yourself as a trendsetter even though you love to complain about how the local Lululemon store is sold out of your favorite $200 leggings.
Mashed Potatoes & Gravy: You’re traditional and a little bland, but well loved. Almost everyone likes you and you are great at mediating the inevitable political arguments that arise between friends and families.
Stuffing: Nobody likes you, but no one wants to admit it because we all feel like you need to be there even though you kind of suck. It’s okay, you’re a reluctant necessity, but at least you always get invited.
Green Bean Casserole: You’re definitely an aging millennial who’s trying to make certain things cool again because they make you feel nostalgic for a time when life was simpler, you could afford housing, and you felt no pain.
Mac & Cheese: You are the queen of self-care, coziness, and decadence! You outlive fads and haters. YOU understand that all we really want is to annihilate some carbs drenched in cheese. Thank you, for existing.
Pumpkin Pie: You think you’re original, but you’re not. What’s that? Your pumpkin came from a local CSA? Well then you just moved up from super original to the most average white person I know!
Canned Cranberry Sauce: You don’t know how to cook but are hoping you can fool people with something premade from the grocery store. Some advice? Give up the charade and find a way to love yourself despite this personal shortcoming.
Balsamic Glazed Brussel Sprouts: You’re desperately trying to impress your in-laws.
Wine: You think you’re the funny friend who doesn’t take life too seriously. But actually? You’re constantly worrying about whether the heavy drinking from your 20s was just a phase, or if you just have a drinking problem now.
Sweet Potato Casserole with Marshmallows: You’re perfect. You can do no wrong, and the world is right when you’re around.
Roasted Fingerling Potatoes: You’re hot and you know it. Everybody wants you, but you act like you don’t care! You’re sexy, smart, and a little mysterious. Come thru, girlfriend!
Side Salad: You like to let the world know that you are the only person in the universe who is passionate about salad. That’s it. That’s all you are.
Homemade Herbed Butter with Fresh Biscuits: We get it, you own a small farm upstate.
Cheesy Scalloped Potatoes: You put time and effort into everything you do, and you know what the people truly want. You are a person of the people.
Candied yams: You’re a depression-era grandma.
Snickers Salad: You’re a midwestern grandma who doesn’t understand what the word salad means.
Jello Mold: You’re a suburban aunt.
Potato Salad: Why? Deviled eggs: Umm…you might just be depressed? Or you’re a local member of your community who is spending thanksgiving at their church. Either way, I’m concerned for you.
Maple Bacon Carrots: You might be a god?
Fried Mashed Potato Balls: You’re a new subscriber to Bon Appetit magazine and you want the world to know that you are into food. That’s great and all, but it won’t change the fact that nobody cares about your “take” on something.
Seven Layer Dip: You’re an agent of chaos.
Emily Knapp is a Colorado based writer and comedian. She is originally from Chicago, but fled west because she really likes seeing the sun in February. Her writing has been featured in Writers Resist, Fearsome Critters, McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Robot Butt, Westish, and other places on the internet. Her apartment currently resides in Golden, but you can find her in the mountains writing, hiking, running, or skiing. If she’s not doing any of that, she is 100% eating tacos.