Originals
That’s A Party School
My friend said by the time he got his degree, he had partied so much that he wasn’t even sure what he’d majored in. Upon getting his diploma at graduation, he learned that he had actually obtained a BA in partying.
Entries by Adam Dietz
Best of 2023
Why Is Everyone Talking About (The Movie) A.I. Artificial Intelligence?
At my office, people talk in hushed tones about the future of A.I. and whether it will, indeed, put them out of work. I just shake my head. If you’re worried about a Jude Law movie taking your job, then I feel bad for you. Especially a movie that isn’t, in my humble opinion, even in Spielberg’s top 10.
Originals
The Great Rock Debate: The Beatles or The Dino Dudes?
While the Beatles touring time in the US was somewhat limited due to what can only be described as Beatlemania, those lucky enough to see the Fab 4 play in person will tell you that John, Paul, George, and Ringo more than effectively commanded the stage. Whether or not the same can be said for The Dino Dudes is up for some debate. Whereas the Beatles’ 1964 North American Tour is well documented by way of online clips and documentaries, footage of the Dino Dudes was lost to poor camera placement.
Originals
This City Has Really Gone Downhill
This city has become dangerous too! On my neighborhood Facebook group, people are always talking about how they see “suspicious characters” lingering about town. Sure, this city used to have suspicious characters too, but back then they would be caught committing a crime and then put behind bars for a period of time. These new suspicious characters don’t ever actually commit crimes and, thus, are impossible to catch. The crime in this city used to be more obvious and frankly that’s how I preferred it.
Originals
No, I’m Not Prepared To Tell You How I’d Like My Hair Cut
Can you fundamentally change my personality and overall lot in life with this haircut, Dave? Because if so, let’s do it.
Originals
A Press Conference Following My Dinner At Applebees
Why did you go to dinner at Applebee’s? That’s something I kept asking myself during the dinner itself. I suppose the easiest answer is guilt. I hadn’t seen my mom in a while, and she asked if I wanted to grab dinner “somewhere nice,” which I took to mean like a steakhouse or something.
Originals
We Are Denying You Admittance To This University Because Your Senior Prank Was So Lame
We encourage all of our students to try to embody this mantra at all times, as creativity is inherent in the Wilhearst experience. So with that aphorism in mind, you can only imagine how disappointed our team was to see that hackneyed senior prank you tried to pull with your buddy Jeff.
Best of 2023
1-Star Reviews of Major United States Landmarks
The Statue of Liberty: Didn’t move as much as in the Ghostbusters film. In fact, it barely moved at all. I stared at it the whole time I was there and it hardly moved. If it did, it was really slight. 1 star. And more!
Best of 2022
The Shocking True Story Of Why 6 Was Afraid Of 7
The real reason 6 was afraid of 7 had little to do with 8, 9, 10, or even 11. You see 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 was 6’s bookie and 6 got in a little too deep.
Best of 2022
9 Interesting Facts About Babies For People Thinking About Having One
A personal frustration, but when my baby was born I was shocked to learn that he hadn’t seen any of the Rocky movies. I remember once when I was burping him in a crowded park and someone’s phone rang with “Eye of the Tiger” as the ringtone and I said to my baby “Rocky III, nice!” And I could tell based on his wide-eyes and lack of response that the little guy had no idea what I was talking about.
Originals
Introducing The North Pole Podcast Network
The Ben Shapiro & Grinch Show: Are you tired of all of Cindy Lou Who’s liberal propaganda? Is the Whoville lame-stream media trying to force its socialist ideas down your throat? Sick of Mayor Augustus May Who and the other sheeple in power telling you how to run your herd?
Originals
A Definitive Ranking Of Things To Do About An Hour After You Eat Your Thanksgiving Meal
Go the bathroom and sit on your phone, Start drinking more, Text your high school ex something vague and then block her, and more.
Originals
The Forbes 10 Under 10
If you’ve driven around the greater Houston area over the past few months, undoubtedly you’ve noticed that there’s a new playboy in the midst. Donning sunglasses with blue flames and traveling at speeds upwards of 5 MPH, Matthew “Matty” James has quickly become one of the most influential four year olds in town.
Originals
Doesn’t My Stupid Ass Grandma Know About Inflation?
Despite my Grandma’s success, everlasting legacy, and laundry list of accomplishments, her dumbass has been ignoring the fundamentals of economic inflation and giving me the same $20 dollar check for my birthday since I was six years old. And it’s time she got put on blast for it.
Originals
FAQ: The General Insurance
Q: What is the General’s type, sexually? A: What? He’s a cartoon. This isn’t some Cool World scenario where humans and cartoons can have sex. He’s purely fictitious.
Originals
A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office
No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating my lunch. Instead of a desk and adjustable chair, I work on a Queen-size mattress. A whiteclaw mini fridge. And more!
Originals
Power Rankings of My Son’s Little League Baseball Roster
Atop the list for the sixth consecutive week is Niko Cherry. Nicknamed “Cherry Bomb” for his ability to blast the ball (almost) to the outfield, Niko is the oldest kid on the team and it shows. With broad shoulders and early signs of a mustache on his upper lip, he’s been feasting on both pitchers and hitters this season. If he continues his torrid pace, league officials may just have to take another look at that birth certificate.
Originals
Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet Is Back And Better Than Ever!
Hey, we’re still the Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet you know and love. We just have a different name, menu, exterior, interior, theme, staff, and overall ethos, but other than those things, we haven’t changed one bit. So we invite our loyalty reward members, formerly The Plate Posse, now “The Olive-garchs,” to please stop by and see us real soon. We’ve missed you!
Best Of 2021
Questions That Future Generations Might Have About Video Stores
If the video store wasn’t open, but you wanted to watch something, did you just break in and take what you wanted or did you scream at the top of your lungs until something eventually happened?
Best of 2020
An Oral History Of The Time Dylan Miller Ate Nine Deli Sandwiches
Rebecca Johnson (Dylan’s then Girlfriend): Dylan always seemed more interested in sandwiches than me. Dylan Miller: I was definitely more interested in sandwiches than Rebecca. We were not a good match.
