Adorably Insightful Conversations I’ve Had With My 5-Year-Old That I’ve Shared on Facebook and are Definitely Real

5-year-old: I don’t want to go to school today. It’s boring!

Me: I know, bud. But sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. Like some days I don’t want to go to work…

5-year-old: I know. But you have to because the capitalist machine has conditioned us like dogs. Make more money, so we can consume more and more!

Me: I couldn’t have said it better myself, dude. Now, get your socks and shoes on, please.

---

Me: You know you have to wear your helmet when you ride your bike.

5-year-old: I know. Because it keeps me safe. And if I were to fall and get a boo-boo on my head, the medical bills you and mommy would have to pay could threaten our financial future.

Me: Sadly, you’re right.

5-year-old: Why is our healthcare system this way? Do you think America will ever adopt a single payer healthcare system, so its citizens won’t have to live in fear of losing everything when their child gets sick or injured?

Me: I don’t know, son. I just don’t know.

---

5-year-old: Why are people on TV talking about building a wall?

Me: Well, son, it’s complicated, but some people are scared of people who aren’t like them, and politicians pander to those fears by promising them they will be safer if we try to shut people out. Does that make sense?

5-year-old: I think so. But, it doesn’t seem right. I wish more people could come enjoy all the great things we have here. It’s like when I’m at the playground, it’s more fun when all us kids play together and share our toys instead of playing by ourselves.

Me: I love you, son.

---

5-year-old: At school today, we practiced for a Code Red. We had to hide in the closet in case a bad guy with a gun tries to get into the school.

Me: Oh. I’m sorry. We adults have really failed you guys. This burden of gun violence shouldn’t be placed on your shoulders.

5-year-old: Well, it’s difficult considering the historical sway gun advocacy groups have held on Capitol Hill, but I know you’re trying, Dad. And I think things are changing. Just very slowly. It’s like how when the sun goes down at night, it’s impossible to tell the exact moment when it gets completely dark.

Me: That’s so brilliant, buddy. Now, let’s brush your teeth and go potty before bedtime.

5-year-old: Some kids at school were making fun of one of my friends on the playground. They were calling her poopy pants.

Me: Well, that’s certainly not nice. What did you do?

5-year-old: I told them I understood that their aggression came from a place of fear and hurt rather than power, but they needed to stop. I said despite their actions, I still loved them. And that a little love can go a long way. Then, we all played freeze tag together.

Me: That’s wonderful! I’m so proud of you for having such a big heart. Let’s take Murphy for a walk before it gets too dark out.

---

5-year-old: Do you know what I want to be when I grow up?

Me: No, what?

5-year-old: A writer and a nurse and a YouTuber and a firefighter and a train driver and a pilot.

Me: Wow. That’s a lot of things!

5-year-old: Yes, but with the way the gig economy is taking hold, my generation will likely have to work multiple jobs, rather than sticking with one career for forty years. I need to think about diversifying my skill set to get ready.

Me: You are so wise, little man!

---

5-year-old: I’m going to live with you and Mommy even when I’m a grown-up!

Me: Aww, that’s so sweet.

5-year-old: Well, it’s more that with the trends in real estate prices and the relative stagnation of wage growth, more and more young adults are being squeezed out of the housing and rental market.

Me: That is an excellent point.

---

Me: What are you taking for show-and-tell this week? The theme is arctic animals.

5-year-old: I was thinking of taking a polar bear stuffed animal, but then I decided to take a cardboard box with marshmallows on the bottom.

Me: Just a box with marshmallows?

5-year-old: Yes. With the current trajectory of global climate change, it is possible polar bears and other arctic wildlife could face extinction as early as this century. What better way to illustrate the urgency of the situation than to show my friends what an empty, lifeless arctic might look like.

Me: I guess the marshmallows would be the snow, but wouldn’t the snow be gone in your scenario?

5-year-old: When we eat them, they’ll be gone and all that will be left is the brown, barren bottom of the box. Plus, my friends will love having a yummy snack!

Me: You amaze me! Come here and give me a hug!

---