This City Has Really Gone Downhill

This city has become dangerous too! On my neighborhood Facebook group, people are always talking about how they see “suspicious characters” lingering about town. Sure, this city used to have suspicious characters too, but back then they would be caught committing a crime and then put behind bars for a period of time. These new suspicious characters don’t ever actually commit crimes and, thus, are impossible to catch. The crime in this city used to be more obvious and frankly that’s how I preferred it.

An Open Letter To Those Who Declined My Facebook Event Invite

It is with great disappointment that I write to you today, the day after our Ninth Annual Footie Pajama Game Of Thrones Bar Crawl. The turnout, as you can imagine, was incredible.

Debuting on Broadband: The Book of Zuckerberg 

Hello! My name is Elder Zuckerberg and I would like to share with you the most amazing update to my book. The good book. The Facebook. Not only can you follow your friends, but now, you can also follow God with the help of the new worship features available to you. That’s right, sinners. I brought God to Facebook so you can experience salvation.

I am Definitely Not Friending You on Facebook Just to Sell You Skincare Products

Hello again! I see you updated your profile picture. I love that you’re going for the natural look and really embracing your wrinkles. I really admire your bravery. I wish I were that brave. Instead, I hide behind this anti-wrinkle serum...


SlinkedIn, Crapchat, Dreaddit, and more #SinisterSocialMediaApps on this week's trending joke game!

My Aunt’s Facebook Status Election Coverage

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate squirrels? I swear they’re taking over this country. Vote to keep out the squirrels! HAHA. I pepper spray them and they don’t even move.

Facebook Birthday Messages From Famous Authors

Dr. Seuss: Today you were born! Don’t look so forlorn! At least you don’t have kids who could find your weird porn.

Origin Stories of Weirdly Specific Rules

This Burger King Ice Machine is For Soda Not For Genitals, Absolutely No Squirrels in the Indoor Hot Tub, and more!

I Am A Trendy Article and I Will Make You Feel Called Out By Any Means Necessary

It’s not an algorithm showing you relevant content that fits your lifestyle and “brand” (I know you call it a “brand”). It’s me, the article, watching you every moment of your life so I may better make you feel understood. I am like a totally chill and funny hunter and you are my prey. So yes, you are being “personally attacked”. By me!

Some Other CEO Secrets 

Richard Branson is, indeed, a virgin.

Surprise! The Meanest Girl From High School is Now Someone's Mom

Well, either way, her baby is our nation’s future and Meghan, the girl who painted her face red, punched your dad in the throat, and then pants-ed him (with underwear) is now in charge of it!

Hyper Local and Hyper Petty: Your Town’s Facebook Group

Barbara Klein: Today outside the Starbucks I saw our state’s bird, a goldfinch! What a nice surprise on a Tuesday morning! Marc Crabtree: Goldfinches are a trash bird.

Adorably Insightful Conversations I’ve Had With My 5-Year-Old That I’ve Shared on Facebook and are Definitely Real

5-year-old: I’m going to live with you and Mommy even when I’m a grown-up! Me: Aww, that’s so sweet. 5-year-old: Well, it’s more that with the trends in real estate prices and the relative stagnation of wage growth, more and more young adults are being squeezed out of the housing and rental market.

Facebook Status: It’s Time To Purge My Friends' List!

You know the drill if you haven’t given me enough likes, hearts, and replied when I posted about the predictive text challenge for what 80s inspired colored underwear I should wear next Tuesday, you are getting purged.

California Proposition 65 Warnings for Social Media Apps

Twitter WARNING: This app contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause users to only follow those who share your same worldview, a lot of comedians, and Cher. Frequent use of Twitter often results in a delightfully pleasant-sounding echo chamber that is regularly contrasted by feelings of boiling anger caused after reading news reports detailing the horrors that perpetually occur throughout the planet, topped off with what Cher thinks about Donald Trump.

Silence of the Notifications

INT. PRISON — DAY: CLARICE, a young FBI agent, approaches a cell where MARK ZUCKERBERG is being contained.

If You Tag Someone In This Post, I Might Be Able To Keep This Job

Tag someone who hasn’t seen the sun set but still has a Facebook account somehow. Probably because they are a troll, but even clicks from trolls might help me keep this late-night social media shift and move to a place with 5 or 6 fewer roommates.

15 Ways To Determine If Your Facebook Post Contains Hate Speech

It uses derogatory language to describe a person, animal, country,…

Portrait of a Young Zuckerberg

It is said that, as a child, Mark Zuckerberg got the idea for…

Reasons Why I Imagine You Didn’t “Like” My Post

You didn’t see it. You like to space out your “likes,”…

Overly Specific Rejected Facebook Emojis

Coked Up   "Check out my new dental work"   Super…