We Regret to Inform You That Your Son Has Been Waitlisted for Preschooler Gymnastics

In the “Notable volunteer achievements” portion of your son’s application, you wrote “N/A (he’s three?!).” Many of our preschool gymnasts are already stalwart pillars of their community. Sally Harris, for example, spent over 10 hours volunteering at the Tales of Kale Urban Farm this year, and only ate two or three pieces of rabbit poop in that time. 

A Peek Inside a College Parent Facebook Page

OK, totally disappointed here. It’s been two hours and Veronique is still alone in her dorm room. How can she live her best college life if no one will even make the effort to meet her? What kind of place is this? Is this how you raised your kids? — Turning the car around, V’s mom

CARTOON: Uncover Up

Less is more. I think. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Unfortunately Fortuitous Quotes From the Animated Film Playing Down the Hall As You and Your Partner Climax

“Ready or not, I’m coming in hot!” -Paw Patrol: The Movie (2021)

CARTOON: Ups & Downs

BRB. Today's cartoon by Frega DiPerri.

Financial Terms, According To My Teenager

Gross Margin: Penis doodles along the edges of your Great Expectations book. Margin Call: The phone call your parent receives after the teacher spots your Gross Margin. And more!

CARTOON: Parents Plans

See you in 15-20. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

I Am Happy with My Choice to Remain Childless. Also, Call Me “Uncle Jon.” You Must Care for Me When I Am Old. 

Your purpose isn’t to please your parents. It’s to find your own bliss, whether that comes from bar trivia, travel to destinations that allow you to bring your dog, or covering my rent once I’m too old to work but haven’t amassed a large enough 401(k) to last through retirement.

I’m Sorry for Wearing a Sexy Nurse Costume to Your Event But It’s Kinda Your Fault for Having It Close to Halloween

I’m sorry I invited 10 random people to your private family and friends shindig and told them it was going to be a rager. I’m sorry they showed up.

10 Things I (A Gen X Parent) Have Learned From My Gen Z Kids — In Haiku

Asking if a friend/ Is online or in real life/ Invalidates them

CARTOON: Reanimated

Shocking growth. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

I’m A 9 Year Old Piano Prodigy And Pay No Mind To The Scars All Over My Body

I want to thank all of you for making it here tonight. I’m glad you were all able to dodge the falling pianos that I've heard so much about, raining all over innocent people when they go outside for too long or forget to study their sheet music. 


Early parental warnings. Today's cartoon by John Reynolds.

CARTOON: Family Tree

A wood it kill you to call? Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

9 Interesting Facts About Babies For People Thinking About Having One

A personal frustration, but when my baby was born I was shocked to learn that he hadn’t seen any of the Rocky movies. I remember once when I was burping him in a crowded park and someone’s phone rang with “Eye of the Tiger” as the ringtone and I said to my baby “Rocky III, nice!” And I could tell based on his wide-eyes and lack of response that the little guy had no idea what I was talking about.

What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines

Sometimes, couples who share a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea discover that they also share an interest in experimentation with forcing pressurized air through hose delivery systems, thus accidentally revolutionizing their sex lives. We hope that one day you find someone you love this much, and when you do, you can entrust them with your heated tubing.

You're Leaving The Playground All Wrong

Wait, why is your toddler yelling that you’re a stranger who’s trying to lure her out of the playground with candy? Did you hear that - your daughter used the word “lure.” She has a GREAT vocabulary. Oh, right, not really the point. Take her hand and start walking out of the playground. No, she shouldn’t be screaming like that. Oh wow, that’s a lot of cop cars. 

CARTOON: Knee Slap

Greedy needy. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper

The Forbes 10 Under 10

If you’ve driven around the greater Houston area over the past few months, undoubtedly you’ve noticed that there’s a new playboy in the midst. Donning sunglasses with blue flames and traveling at speeds upwards of 5 MPH, Matthew “Matty” James has quickly become one of the most influential four year olds in town.

No, I Don’t Have A Gambling Problem And Here’s My Bank Statement From My Family Trip To The Carnival To Prove It

Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Attempt to pay off the carnival game worker: –$25

Reasons That I'm Not Coming To Your Baby Shower

You're not having a baby;  you're considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year.     Look, that's great and all, but I'm not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever.    You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.

CARTOON: Outside

Fresh air and threats. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.


No work out, just work. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Gravestones, As Written By Your Parents

Dignified descriptions. Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

CARTOON: Gender Reveal

Looks like rain. Today's cartoon by Ed Naylor.

Goodnight, Son: A Bedtime Story For Your Manchild

In the not-so-guest bedroom / There was a full-sized race car bed  / And my 398-month-old son tucked away, watching Beavis and Butthead 

CARTOON: Fur Tree Folks

Don't get all sappy. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

News Briefs: Pandemic Parents

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Back To Home School Supply List

Mouse Pad (if unavailable, back issue of Entertainment Weekly from the bathroom will do). Beer Koozie (for the days when Dad is helping out). Pencil Box, with extra compartment used to hold Mommy's Xanax. And more!

NEWS BRIEF: Dog Parents

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Building on the Success of Our School’s Pajama Day

MMA Day: So today will be your child’s opportunity to get in the cage for up to three five-minute rounds with whomever he or she finds especially annoying. Dress them in shorts today. No shoes. Padded gloves recommended but not required.

We’re Ditching The Gender Reveal. You’re Cordially Invited To Our Conception Reception

What’s a conception reception? Think Burning Man meets Midsommar. For the next seven days, we’ll be celebrating the ovulation happening in Sarah’s tubes and you’ll have a front row ticket to the show.

Moms at the Beginning of Summer Vs. Moms at the End of Summer

June: “Oh, no, you might have swimmer’s ear. Get in the car, we’ll go straight to urgent care!” August: “Use your other ear.”

Summer Camps for the Modern Child

Camp Anti-Vaxxer, Camp Smash the Patriarchy, Camp Climate Change Survival and more!

What Your Father’s Day Gift Says About Your Relationship With Your Dad

GPS watch: You used to turn to your dad for direction, but soon realized that all his advice was taken verbatim from a book he keeps in the bathroom called, “God Made Me Do It.”

Your Mom's New Inspirational Wall Art

In This Family We Love, Laugh, and At Least Consider Grad School, Your Cousin Went. And more.

CARTOON: Hold On Tight!

Don't get carried away! Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

Itinerary Of A Plant Dad

11AM — Pia and our cat Lionel are finally getting along. I was getting worried for a moment we’d have to put him down.

Valentine's From Your Mom's New Boyfriend

You're a the way OWL be moving my Bowflex into your playroom.

Adorably Insightful Conversations I’ve Had With My 5-Year-Old That I’ve Shared on Facebook and are Definitely Real

5-year-old: I’m going to live with you and Mommy even when I’m a grown-up! Me: Aww, that’s so sweet. 5-year-old: Well, it’s more that with the trends in real estate prices and the relative stagnation of wage growth, more and more young adults are being squeezed out of the housing and rental market.

Haunted Houses for Dads

This haunted house is filled with socks. I can handle this, you think, I love socks! You sift through the piles and a vague feeling of dread envelops you as you realize there are no white crew socks anywhere. Only ankle socks and no-shows. All garishly colored. You look down at your feet and your white crew socks are gone. Replaced with ridiculous-looking, no-show socks that are…blue? What the hell? You grab a hideous sock from the pile that is threatening to engulf you and stuff it in your mouth to quell the screaming.

Epic Gender Reveal Party Theme Ideas for Men

Football Game Gender Reveal: Hire two professional football…