An Urgent Email from Tony Hinchcliffe’s Travel Agent
Dear Mr. Hinchcliffe,
I regret to inform you that the luxury suite we booked for you at the Four Seasons in San Juan has been barred by Puerto Rico’s Department of Health and Department of Natural and Environmental Resources due to a substantial pile of solid waste that was mysteriously placed outside of the room late last night. The waste is largely composed of Trump/Vance campaign fliers mixed with mounds of feces and Medalla beer bottles containing urine inside of them. In addition, a hand-written note was taped to the door stating; “Your jokes reek of shit.”
Puerto Rico’s sanitation commissioner also phoned me to personally inform you that it may be weeks before they’re able to tend to the matter as they’re “currently busy cleaning up the rest of our floating island of garbage.”
Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to book you at another hotel in San Juan or all of Puerto Rico for that matter. Not even a Motel 6. Although you do have an offer from a Waste Management union in Puerto Rico who said they’d be “happy to offer you a smelly mattress in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean” with an offer to take you there by boat.
Please let me know if you’re interested in the union’s odorous proposal.
Thank you,
Your team at Stupid Gringo Travel Agency
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Raj Tawney writes from his Puerto Rican, Indian, and Italian American perspective. He has contributed to The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Guardian, and other publications around the world. He is the author of the memoir Colorful Palate: A Flavorful Journey Through a Mixed American Experience and the forthcoming Middle Grade novel, All Mixed Up.
