While playing within the playground’s perimeters, please be on the lookout for the following stereotypical humans wandering around the grounds. They are known to be incredibly tiresome and may sometimes be temperamental if addressed the wrong way. If you see these types of individuals, run briskly in the opposite direction or ask your own human for help.
Closely hovering over their dog, continuously calling out its name for no good reason, while their “best friend” tries desperately to avoid them and get some much needed space.
Completely engrossed in their smartphone, whether walking or sitting, these humans are oblivious to their surroundings as they fail to pick up their dog’s droppings and acknowledge the outside world. They seem really, really busy.
Approaching every dog in the park in a baby voice, attempting to slobber over and cuddle with anything with four legs and remotely furry (some humans may qualify).
Refusing to “fix” their male dogs, seemingly proud of their descended testicles swaying in the wind. Subsequently, Fido winds up humping everything in sight, no matter the gender or species. If only more humans listened to Bob Barker’s advice.
Taking photos and video of every move their dog makes –– from licking themselves to sniffing butts –– as well as playing with other dogs even though they gave no permission to be recorded. It’s okay because everyone’s on social media these days.
The Old School Disciplinarian
The Stage Parent
Trying to show the entire park how obedient their dog is by making them sit down, stand on their hind legs, twirl in circles, roll over, fetch, bark in multiple languages and jump through hula hoops. Meanwhile, all their dog wants to do is play with other dogs.
The Dating Profile
Dressed too nicely for a dog park and acting suspiciously affable near single individuals only, while ignoring their dog completely unless needed for displaying exemplary affection.
Please let your human know that it’s acceptable to interact with their own kind. After spending countless hours around dogs, they still haven’t applied any new tricks toward their own social behavior.
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Raj Tawney is a writer covering American culture in its many forms. Contributions include The New York Times, The Washington Post, USA Today and many others.