As a Lesbian, I’m So Relieved a Straight Woman Just Slid Into My DM’s to Let Me Know That Trump Is Actually the Biggest Champion of LGBTQ Rights

Phew.

 

That’s literally all I can say right now. When Trump won the election a week ago, I’ll be the first to admit that as a lesbian living in America in 2024, I was upset. Not just for my own sake, but for the millions of LGBTQ people in this country whose rights now have an uncertain future.

 

But then, a beacon of light emerged from the darkness, in the form of my friends’ mom sliding into my Instagram DM’s with a weird, out-of-context reel where a few self-described gay people I’ve literally never seen or heard of before informed me that I shouldn’t be concerned at all. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I should be relieved and grateful that Trump won, because he is the biggest champion of LGBTQ rights.

 

What LGBTQ people in this country need right now isn’t legislation that protects them. They need a straight woman telling them how to feel.

 

So, I’d like to apologize for being so ill-informed on Trump’s stance on LGBTQ rights, and his obviously stellar track-record. Clearly, I don’t know what’s good for me. But a straight woman who voted for Trump definitely does. I’m so thankful she sent me that IG reel from someone named Becky Weiss, whose bio says “Patriot” and “Truth seeker,” and whose account is labeled as a “sports and fitness instruction.”

 

Clearly, Becky is an expert on Constitutional law and American politics. If fitness Becky is feeling good about the future of her “gay rights,” then I have nothing to worry about.

 

The reel goes on to say that Trump is not going to take away any rights from LGBTQ adults, but he is going to “wage war” on the adults who are indoctrinating this nation’s children. Hmm. I’m not sure who Becky is talking about? Does she mean parents of trans kids in states like Florida and Texas who now have to worry about being prosecuted for trying to keep their kids alive and happy?

 

It kind of sounds like the only one doing the indoctrinating is you, Becky. But I guess I’m on the wrong side of history on this one.

 

Then we hard cut (I should point out that the editing on this reel was quite jarring) to some other self-proclaimed gay who says that Trump stood before the UN and called to decriminalize homosexuality worldwide. Right, because we all know that a bunch of words strung together and said really fast are much more effective than actual legislation. How’s that decriminalization going, anyway?

 

Then we hard cut again to some guy I’ve never seen or heard of who says that when Trump was President in 2016, Republicans had control of the House and the Senate and nothing happened to “our gay rights.” I think he meant to say “his gay rights.” I’m so happy for him.

 

Then, we cut to some other people who further assured me that I have nothing to worry about because Trump had one gay dude in his administration and one time he had a gay wedding at his house. I didn’t realize that the entire American political system was just one guy. I guess I don’t need to worry about anything that a Trump presidency will embolden the Senate to do, the House, the Supreme Court, governors, foreign leaders…

 

Nope, he had a gay wedding at his house and now homophobia is solved. Wow! Didn’t know it’d be that easy. I suppose I also have nothing to worry about from his Vice President, JD Vance, a man who has repeatedly used the word “groomer” to refer to people in the LGBTQ community. This is also the man who compared his own running mate to Hitler, who notoriously loved the gays.

 

But now that a straight white woman told me I have nothing to worry about, I guess I can put that all in the past and continue enjoying my gay rights. It will be a relief to also forget having any empathy for LGBTQ Americans who don’t live in New York, where many rights are protected on a state-level. According to Becky, as long as I’m okay I don’t have to worry about anyone else.

 

After all, there’s no credible source like a gay Republican with a bunch of Instagram followers.