As Armie Hammer’s Nutritionist, I’ve Told Him Time and Again – Human Flesh is Only for Cheat Day
If I’ve told Armie Hammer once, I’ve told him a thousand times – you can work out all day, every day, but you can undo all the work you put in at the gym if you don’t stick to a healthy diet. And when it comes to human flesh, the food science is clear: that’s a once-in-a-while treat *only.*
Listen, I’m no stranger to temptation. I struggled with my weight for years, and I know all too well the siren song of a bag of chips, a slice of pie, or a glistening, bloody bowl of human toes. But you don’t get the kind of camera-ready body that made a million plump, juicy hearts beat faster in Call Me by Your Name by indulging your cravings willy-nilly. That’s why we have Cheat Days, not Cheat Weeks.
And sure – if you’re Paul Giamatti, you can park your butt on the couch and plow through as many human appendages as you can source. Nobody’s watching Paul Giamatti for his six-pack. But if you’re six-foot five inches of pure, delicious American man, you need to see some definition in those biceps. And biceps, whether you’re working them or hunting them, take discipline.
I’ve had Armie on a strict regimen of leafy greens, whole grains, and lean proteins, and the results have been fantastic. That’s why I was so disappointed to see he’s been sneaking around on Instagram, hitting up the ladies for their delicious, meaty ribs. Granted, if you’re going for low-carb, there are worse choices you could make than human flesh. As long as it’s unprocessed and eaten either raw or in accordance with low-carb restrictions, go for it. But the problem with Armie is he likes his meat barbecue-style, and those sauces will get you every time.
I’ll be honest: if it were up to me, I’d have put Armie in a pen long ago. All the exercise he gets has made him as tough and stringy as an old bull. I long to know what tender, divine flesh a properly cosseted Armie Hammer might have produced, but that’s just my gluttonous streak talking. But unlike Armie, I’ve learned to tamp down those urges for the greater good.
So, Armie, when I see you next, it looks like we’re going to have to go back over some ground rules: Drink lots of water and get plenty of sleep. Never skip a Monday workout. And remember: “eat people” rhymes with “cheat people,” so keep a tight lid on your special meat locker, mister. See you on Cheat Day!
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Emily Flake is a cartoonist, writer, illustrator, and performer. She is a regular contributor to the New Yorker and the Nib, among many other publications. She is the author of a book of essays and cartoons about parenting called “Mama Tried” (Grand Central, 2015). She does a weird hybrid of standup and cartoons on stages throughout NYC and beyond, and is the creator and cohost of a monthly live interview show called NIGHTMARES. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband, daughter, and a frail, elderly cat.
