I’m Katie Britt’s Kitchen Table, and Let Me Tell You – This Bitch Is Crazy

Well, well, well, it seems I’ve finally gotten my 17ish minutes of fame, hovering juuuust at the bottom of the frame while ol’ Mama Bear vocal-fried up a hot platter of American Carnage Lite for the public. And let me tell you, as the surface upon which Katie has served that dinner she worries about at 2am for longer than I like to admit: what you all saw tonight is just the tip of the straitjacket.


First of all, I guess kudos to her – despite her opposition to the rights of LGBTQ kids, she managed to name her children genuinely gender-neutral, if utterly batshit names. But seriously, Bennett is one thing, but Ridgeway?? Trust me, I’ve heard her and Wesley audition every possible combination of syllables trying to come up with a nickname for that, and they just can’t do it. Some suburban developers name streets after their kids; these people named their kid after a bland suburban development. Go figure.


Do you know that the bowl of fruit behind her is actually enormous pieces of marzipan? She has it made special from some outfit in Switzerland. She’s also super into Jordan almonds. Yuck.


Oh, if only you could have been around when she was rehearsing this Movie of the Week self-tape – I’ve never heard a man twist himself into as many pretzels as Wesley trying to get his wife to “tone it down, like, just a little tiny tick, babe.” You thought that death-whisper was unsettling coming at you from your TV – imagine it being delivered directly into your ear by a woman who is “uninterested in diluting the sacred message, Wesley.” Whooof, nobody needed ice in their water that night, buddy.


How much time do you think a middle-age mom spends talking about the blood of her enemies? The answer is so, so much more time than you want it to be. I mean, I get that you want your family to be enthusiastic about your hobbies, but talking about eviscerating other elected officials while Bennett and Ridgeway (!!!!) are eating supper is just plain gross. And let’s just say that weird pervy grin she got on her face on camera from time to time is basically her “a mountain of my enemies, burned” face. That woman’s love language is Biblical violence.


And listen, I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but that apocalypse Betty Boop voice she was doing? She’s into some sick shit, man – she had Wes down there messing around with her the whole time she was talking, just so she could prove how in control of herself she is. Which, lady, everyone heard the evidence, and: not very! Honestly, are you shooting the SOTU rebuttal or soft-core? As one of the migrants you hate so much might say: porque no los dos?


Look, I just want to say that as a kitchen table, I truly hope my brothers and sisters in service in homes around this great country aren’t subjected to half of the weird, nutso, and just plain icky things I hear on a daily basis. The country’s furniture – and its families – deserve better.   Bless your heart, Katie, you sick fuck.