He wasn’t always like this. We go back a long time—fast friends since he was just good old Vlad the Impaler. (A metaphorical nickname, I’m sure, and a pretty cool one. Not that I’m jealous, but why can’t my subjects address me with such a badass title?)
I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t it a bit much to ask someone to tip you enough to purchase a local coffeehouse in exchange for a 3-minute read? How much does a coffee shop cost, anyway? It’s got to be a lot, right? Are we talking independent or franchise? Do you even know the first thing about running such an establishment?
Universal Studios and Blumhouse Productions are excited to release a new Purge film just in time for spooky season (and Election Day!). Billed as the most frightening Purge cinematic experience yet because of how closely it follows real life, The Purge: Voter Rolls is sure to terrify viewers even more than its predecessors.
SCILSOF: Second Cousin I’d Like to See on OnlyFans
LDFFWILGPMETS: Long-Distance Friend of the Family to Whom I’d Like to Give a Platonic Massage that Eventually Turns Sexual
And more!
Ok, first things first, you’re gonna want to run with a crowd of similar-looking friends who all have similar-looking significant others. It’s ok to set yourself apart a little by having a slightly better haircut, but trust me guys — being indistinguishable from your peers is all part of successfully getting away with being a serial killer.
Dunkin’ Iced Coffee: Quippy tech guru PRIME Energy: Sadistic but easily dispatched henchman La Croix (Pamplemousse flavor): Self-conscious artist making film within a film, and more!
Go blonde. No, blonder. This one should be obvious, but we’re gonna go full Patrick Bateman on you here because we cannot stress “blonde” enough. Even if you’re one of God’s chosen few who possess natural blonde locks, you could still probably use the assistance of dye. There’s no such thing as too yellow or too platinum. Our boys love their towheads, and who can blame them? (Just don’t go too far into full-on white because then you’ll look old and, ew, gross, who wants to date that?)
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Driverless Car” “I’m Dreaming of a Christmas Below 60 Degrees” “It’s the Most Communicable Time of the Year” And more!