Beauty Tips for Attracting a Republican Man

If an R is the only D you’ll accept, fear not. We’ve got the secrets to winning the heart of that handsome conservative stud you’ve set in the sights of your Beretta AR70 (which should totally be legal in every state!).

More makeup

Real beauty is an illusion. There are just people who try and people who don’t, and if you’re not going to put in the required effort, then frankly you don’t deserve anything better than a feminist boyfriend. Invest in some serious supplies of primer, concealer, foundation, blush, bronzer, highlighter, brow pencils, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, false lashes, lip liner, lipstick, gloss, setting spray, and powder. Pallets of palettes. Basically, just go to a makeup counter at the department store and tell them to wrap up ten of everything. Now every single morning, before you’ve even had your coffee, cake. that. shit. on. (We’d say “apply liberally” but we try not to use tasteless language here.) Do not skip a day ever, even and especially when you’re sick. Odds are he’s not dumb enough to think your face naturally looks like that, but that doesn’t mean he wants to see it.

Go blonde. No, blonder.

This one should be obvious, but we’re gonna go full Patrick Bateman on you here because we cannot stress “blonde” enough. Even if you’re one of God’s chosen few who possess natural blonde locks, you could still probably use the assistance of dye. There’s no such thing as too yellow or too platinum. Our boys love their towheads, and who can blame them? (Just don’t go too far into full-on white because then you’ll look old and, ew, gross, who wants to date that?)

Wavy hair

Stick-straight hair and wild, unkempt curls are both out. They scream “hippie” in different but equally horrifying ways. Republican Waves™ are the only way to style your (obviously blonde) tresses: Thick, tubular twists that rest obediently on your shoulders and look like Fox News had a baby with Meryl Streep in Don’t Look Up. These should not resemble waves that occur in nature but as painstakingly crafted and tamed spirals. He needs to know that you spent massive amounts of time and withstood the burns of scorching hair-styling tools to achieve this traditional-values lewk.

Gym membership

Let’s be honest here, you should already have one. You don’t want him thinking you’re some kind of RINO. Maybe he doesn’t need to know that you don’t go every day, but at least have some self-respect and post enough selfies in activewear to make it look like you do.


Republican males may love WASPs, but they find paleness about as sexy as a tubercular Victorian street urchin. Keep that skin tone golden crisp on the regular. You can’t go wrong with a generous spray tan, but there’s nothing quite as classy as your skin’s genuine response to ultraviolet radiation, so don’t forget about tanning beds and sunbathing. Tropical vacays may be necessary semi-often depending on where you live. (If climate change is real, then explain to us why it’s still so hard to keep yourself beautifully bronzed in wintertime New England?)

The libs may try to scare you with words like “skin cancer,” but just roll your eyes and remember that they’re jealous.

Cosmetic surgery

Very few problems can’t be corrected by a good plastic surgeon. There are so many procedures to choose from but if means are limited, opt for the classic trio: smaller nose, bigger boobs, and lipo. Sure, when combined together, the bill may seem high, but it’s a reasonable price to pay for scoring some rich Republican dong. (Note: Always tell him he’s rich, even if he isn’t.)

Keep these habits up and before you know it, you’ll be planning Mar-a-Lago pilgrimages for two!

Disclaimer:  We cannot guarantee that he won’t leave you for someone younger who’s also followed this advice.