Entries by Connor McCausland

Tea Flavor Descriptions That Are Trying To Tell You Something

Classic Green Tea We pick the finest leaves from the highest gardens for a classic, not-too-grassy green tea experience. If you don’t like this delicate but earthy blend, you might just be very hard to please by nature. Speaking of nature—it’s all natural! Steep for 5 minutes. Blueberry Delight This sweet but refreshing blend of […]

Some Pre-Existing Conditions The GOP Will Accept

Slimy skin Tightass Sunburn from an “All Lives Matter” protest Blindness/deafness from head-in-sand Lizard breath Weakspine Empathy deficiency Myopia Secret homosexuality projected as homophobia Tennis elbow Golf knee Lacrosse butt Ears still ringing from hearing hip-hop two weeks ago Being a wussy (Celiac disease) Having a son who only got accepted to Cornell Acute Stress […]

Bill O’Reilly’s Unused Final Monologue

So apparently the brass here at fucking Fox FUCKING News says that I’m outta here, giving Billy boy the old boot. Something about “not having the budget” and “you harassed upwards of six women”. What the fucking bullshit liberal fucking crap is this? I’m from Long Island. We harass people. Hello?! It’s what we DO. […]

I’m 99% Sure I Just Had Sex With My First Robot

It’s 0:04am. The year is 2075. The place is the city of Chicago 2, United States of Etc. My name? Yundar Mables. My story? I just had sex with a…new type of lover, and now…I’m dealing with it. Why, you might ask, am I telling you these details of time and setting? I’m not sure. […]