Alternatives to Marrying Up
Marry Sideways: You marry someone with the exact same education, socio-economic status, and income. You never fight about money, but you resent each other equally. And more!
Entries by Kate Chrisman
How Bad Do Things Have to Get Before the People of Hawkins Join Me and My Ragtag Group of Friends in Fighting the Upside Down?
When will the citizens of Hawkins stop and realize that the Mind Flayer and his network of Demogorgons, creeping vines, and tyrannical sadists like Vecna have been planning their coup for decades and that it might take more than a group of traumatized high schoolers to stop this?
Thanks for Buying Our Toothbrush. We Can’t Believe You Thought It Would Clean Your Teeth
We’ve spent millions marketing our toothbrush as a revolutionary dental breakthrough, promising it will prevent cavities, remove the need for flossing (which you weren’t doing anyway), and whiten your teeth. And honestly, we’re genuinely flabbergasted that you thought it was going to work.
Will Your Child be Sent Home From Preschool Today? A (Snot) Color Guide
YELLOW WITH SPOTS: Obviously your child is unable to attend school for the rest of the week, but Sally’s mom has asked us to remind you to drop off 50 dairy-free, nut-free, funfetti-free cupcakes for the winter fundraiser on Thursday between 10:49 AM – 11:07 AM.
Honest Preschool Descriptions
We charge to put you on a pretend wait list. Our vacation schedule will never overlap with the local elementary school – that’s a promise. Your kid will get lice.
We’ve Updated Our Preschool’s Curriculum to Help Your Toddler Survive the Coming Climate Apocalypse
Connect with Nature: I try to strike a balance between giving your children hope and crushing their cute little souls with the reality of climate change, so in response to the cries of “I’m hungry!” and “I’ll even eat my vegetables,” I’ve started a small garden. Max loves digging his hands in the contaminated soil but he broke down in tears when he realized those seeds have zero chance of becoming edible food.
You Can Be Anything You Want! And Other Lies We Tell Girls About the Professional World
Broadcast Journalist- LIE: Newsrooms are desperate for a feminist angle for their stories! TRUTH: Must be smoking hot according to the standards of a bunch of middle aged men in a conference room.
You’re Leaving The Playground All Wrong
Wait, why is your toddler yelling that you’re a stranger who’s trying to lure her out of the playground with candy? Did you hear that – your daughter used the word “lure.” She has a GREAT vocabulary. Oh, right, not really the point. Take her hand and start walking out of the playground. No, she shouldn’t be screaming like that. Oh wow, that’s a lot of cop cars.
As a Passenger on the Titanic, I’m So Glad We All Decided to Go On With Our Lives as the Ship Sinks
It’s hard to admit it now, but I was a tad hysterical at first wondering if I could get a spot in one of those lifeboats. I even tried to jump the queue. But then I heard that it was better to let your lungs get used to drowning the natural way, by desperately gulping for air underwater, and I thought, that makes sense!