Basic Cable, I have some questions.

After 19 months of winter, under self-imposed house arrest, it’s fair to say I’m on pretty good terms with the channels on our flat screen.

I’ve developed an unnaturally close relationship with the fly-over channels. You know those in-between channels with a host of programs that make you think, “How is this even a show?”  Those are my people.

Although I now feel I can pretty much solve any open murder case in under 47 minutes (it’s the spouse), this un-recommended amount of exposure has left me with some questions for the programmers. And, I’ll be honest, some pretty tough questions for myself.

Let’s start with the big ones.

 

“Property Brothers”

Every episode of “Property Brothers” starts the same: the Property Brothers- I know they have names but I’m not really sure why- show the couple (mostly it’s a couple) their dream house. The couple falls in love with the house, imagines their perfect new life in this amazing house. Then, The Brothers tell the couple there’s no way they can afford it.

The couple is always, and I mean always, surprised by this news. And crushed.

Here is my question- haven’t these people ever seen the show they’ve agreed to be on? I think if you or I agreed to be on a national television show, especially one that’s going to determine what house we were going to spend the rest of our lives in, we’d check out a couple of episodes. You know, just to see. I’ve watched the show and I don’t have any plans of letting those guys decide where I’m going to live.

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“Forensic Files”

Where did this show come from? It’s on back-to-back 24/7 and I swear they have never run the same episode twice. From the way it was shot, it appears as if the show ended in the early 90s. Yet somehow they keep coming up with new ones. It’s as if every show is simultaneously a premier and a rerun. I even think the announcer is dead at this point. This show is proof that we are living in a simulation.

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“My 600lb Life”

Why is there more than one episode of this show? It’s literally the same story arc every time. Why can’t I stop watching it?

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“How It’s Made”

I can’t explain why this series makes me unreasonably sad. It’s not that I don’t find it entertaining to watch a wire hanger get made, starting from a vat of molten copper and transforming into the thing that nobody cares about. It’s just that it makes me think that for every machine specifically created for the sole purpose of one task along the long wire hanger production process, there is a representative that has to drive around the country to wire hanger factories and pitch The Series 1142R2 Automated Bender. That is his life. I feel for that person. These unsung heroes. And still, I don’t care about hangers.

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“Antique Roadshow”

The fact that I watched this show and found it suspenseful is a sign that I might be dead inside. Winter you have won.

 

Happy Memorial Day.