CARTOON: Grammatical Seasoning

Summer in the Hamptons, then Fall on the floor. Today's cartoon by Fergus Boylan.

CARTOON: Sharp Shark

Looking fin-tastic! Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

All These Ballplayers Spontaneously Bursting Into Flames Is Killing Baseball

Answer me this, MLB. How are fans supposed to enjoy a day out at the ballpark while constantly on edge that their favorite players could at any point start smoldering and catch fire?

Rejected Expressions to Say ‘It’s So Hot'

It’s so hot my weed smoked itself. It’s so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It's so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. And more!

Things To Consider When Buying A New Swimsuit

Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won't be allowed into Golden Corral?

CARTOON: Shark Attacks on the Rise

Gonna need a bigger boat? Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.

Joey Chestnut’s Yelp Review of Nathan’s Famous, Coney Island, July 5

Normally, I dip my hot dogs into a big bucket of water so that the buns are thoroughly soaked when I eat them. Today, no buckets. I had to buy a bottle of water. A guy saw me pouring my water out all over my second hot dog and he said “there’s mustard over there, you know.” I don’t know where the dude was from, but literally nobody puts mustard on hot dogs in America. It makes it so much harder to eat. Who has time for that, anyway?

Your Dog's Guide To A Safe And Happy Fourth Of July, by Your Dog

Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs 'em? Look, I haven't forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn't allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.

CARTOON: Everybody Wins

Feel the burn! Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

5 Summer Activities That Make Me Think You Might Be AI Generated

Now I know fun is subjective and there are many ways to indulge. I don’t judge! But, personally, there are some activities I believe to be so generic and dumb that only a computer could come up with it. (No offense to computers. My phone is a computer and I love my phone. But my phone also turns itself off after being left in the sun for 45 and a half seconds.) 

New Summer Pool Rules

No peeing in the pool, please! Instead wear a diaper into the pool, and dispose of appropriately later. No alcoholic beverages in or around the pool.  Be a goddamned adult and take drugs instead. And more!

CARTOON: Now Showing!

"Eventually The Fun Kicks In." - NY Times. Today's cartoon by Hilary Campbell.

Last Minute Budget Summer Vacation Suggestions

PruneFest! Spend an idyllic summer afternoon in the company of friends and loved ones, savoring the sweet scents and flavors of a wide variety of prunes, prune jams and jellies, prune wine, plus workshops on using prunes to improve everything from your chi and sex life to sleep patterns.  Look out for Pruney Paul and his green basket of prunes, it's all he eats and it shows (smells)! As usual with this particular event, porta-potties are in high demand yet short supply, so please plan accordingly.

Summer Barbecue Tips from the Supreme Court of the United States

Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: Remember to give thanks to the Lord God Himself! Since separation of church and state is no longer a thing, gather your guests of various faiths, or lack thereof, and lead them in a Christian-centric Grace. If a coach can do this on the football field of a public school, what’s stopping you from mandating it in your backyard? If you don’t, we’ll do it for you!

What You Remember From Your Summer Reading Homework Based On What Kind Of Student You Were

Atlas Shrugged: Overachiever: Everything. It’s your favorite book, in a really annoying way.  Average:  Not much. You haven’t thought about the book since high school. Terrible: Nothing. You also say it’s your favorite book in a really annoying way.

CARTOON: Beach Buds

Fleeting friendships. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Road Trip Stops You Won't Want To Miss!!

Apples & Bees, Shappalap, OK- Not to be confused with the popular chain of bar and grill restaurants located throughout North America, Apples & Bees is instead an apple orchard that is open to the public, but also plagued regularly by swarms of bees.

Find the Best Swimsuit for Your Evacuation Type This Flood Season

Flood season is upon us, ladies! And you don't want to be found after three days on a life raft without looking your best! Shopping for a flood season swimsuit can be daunting. You want something flattering, stylish, and comfortable but that also screams – “Please evacuate me!” 

The Best Thing About Taking My Young Kids to the Pool Is Having My Balls Repeatedly Crushed By Their Feet

Ah, summer. The lazy days, the warm breezes, the crushed testicles. There’s nothing quite like unwinding after a long day in a swimming pool with that mellow, full body tingle you can only get from having your gonads savagely wrecked by a careless child’s flailing legs. 

Guide to Summertime Portmanteaus

Skort - a skirt that is also shorts / Jorts - shorts made from jeans/ Jort-Ski - when you ride a Kawasaki personal watercraft wearing jorts (see also, JortRunner) and more!

CARTOON: Beach Groundhog

Shadows? Forget shadows. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Michael Bay Punches Up Classic Literature

Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville: First of all, love the title. Hilarious. Not everyone can do comedy, but Herman, you got the gift, man. Secondly, there’s some great bones in this idea. Crazy guy versus a big ass sea monster? Awesome. I dunno how I feel about it being a white whale, though. How about a giant shark? Or, better yet, some kind of alien robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes. Now we’re getting somewhere.

CARTOON: Falling Down

Leaf me alone! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Signs That Summer Is Almost Over...

Anti-vaxxers adding plenty of ivermectin to their pumpkin spice lattes. COVID infection stories on the news are all Back To School related. And more!


John Waters Polo, Volley Hunter, Gene Swimmons, and more #CelebASummerSport on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Sinking Summer

Life's a beach. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

CARTOON: Downward Desert

Getting a good sweat. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

Welcome Back To The Cinema!

Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer. No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked. And more!

The Guy Who Designs Music Festival Posters Explains Himself

Listen closely. Actually, look closely. Yeah dude, you’re not at your annual eye doctor exam, you’re just reading one of my babies online. Go ahead, grab a magnifying glass to see if one of those indie bands you like is playing. Chances are, they’re playing at 10 a.m. on a stage three miles away from everything else. Take it from me as a design pro that does Photoshop two days a year, font matters. The bigger the font, the more my boss is yelling in my ear, “MAKE THE FONT BIGGER! WE SPENT OUR WHOLE BUDGET ON THEM.”


Rum Raging. Ben & Angry, Pissed-tachio, and more #IrateIceCream on this week's trending joke game!

Must-Have Summer Beach Reads

Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid: I was so hungry and weak that all I can remember are the rich descriptions of all the decadent meals the family ate together. I began to suspect the end was near when turkey vultures spent the morning cawing while they circled my body. Despite this, Reid’s masterful description of BBQ inspired me to use the last of my strength to strangle a baboon with my bare hands. It was delicious. Highly recommend this book.

How to Prepare for Horse Girl Season Even Though Those Oversized Beast-Thingies Smell Like Poo

First step to becoming a Horse Girl is to get hair extensions if you don’t already have big, wild, glorious hair. It is scientifically known that horses only respect chicks who have tresses as-volumey or poufier-than their own. Otherwise, they will toss you off their backs into a pile of fire ants, and right in front of a hot stable boy named Dante. Which would be your own fault! So get the hair, learn how to blow dry it, and have backup volumizing spray in your saddle bag at all times. The fire ants are even ruder than the horses.

CARTOON: Feeling Shattered

That's gonna stain. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

Summer 2021 Pool Rules

No Offensive T-Shirts, Unless They're Really Funny. No Smoking, Pets, Or Smoking Pets. No Urinating in the Pool, Unless You Can Get Away With It Without Being Obvious. And more!

Gorvath The Infernal Presents Fun Summer Tips For Execrable Human Scum

The insatiable thirst of you lumbering, barely sentient beasts will never be quenched. Such is the nature of your dire species. But if you insist, a nice pitcher of ginades on the beach is lovely and refreshing.

Shot Girl Summer: Sartorial Pairings For Your Upcoming Vaccine Appointment

Get The Hint?: So, you’re fully vaccinated (minus two weeks), and you’re looking to hook up. Nothing less subtle than an entirely clear suit! Wear your best lingerie underneath, or nothing at all. Even if you get kicked out of CVS or banned from the Javits Center for life, you’re sure to turn heads in this daring suit (and get some digits)!

CARTOON: Tan Lines

Watch the straps! Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

A Note on the “No Passionate Open Mouthed Kissing” Rule for the 2020 Baseball Season

P.S. Goes without saying, but we’ve also cancelled the Seventh Inning French.

How to Simulate Your Ten Year Reunion at Home

“Of course I remember you! I was homecoming queen after all, and a queen always remembers her subjects. I’m just kidding. Not about homecoming queen. I was homecoming queen, and also cheerleading captain, and student vice president, remember? Remember that great halftime show our senior year?”

The Weekly Humorist Summer 2020 Reading List

Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!

The Commissioner's Adjusted Rules For The 2020 MLB Season

Along with having a universal designated hitter every team will be assigned a designated tickler, Stadiums will replace hot dogs with normal temperature regular dogs, Gloves will be replaced with a hand of bananas. And more.

CARTOON: Release

Good to finally get out. Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and Ed Steckley.

CARTOON: Bloomed

Thriving without us. Today's cartoon by Hilary Allison.

CARTOON: Summer 2020 Poolside Styles

Don't forget to floss! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

The Latest Batch Of Rejected Ben & Jerry's Flavors

Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, Another Fine Meth Crystal Crunch, Autoerotic As-TWIX-iation and more.

All the Made-Up Words Walt Whitman Didn’t Get To: Manahatta was just the beginning

Lakshminskeep (When you see the face of an NPR host and it is not what you imagined in your head) and more.

Tips for Closing Up Your Summer Home 

Did the neighbors see anything? Do they know? What is seen can never be unseen, but dead mouths tell no tales. Act accordingly.

Conspiracy Fest Summer 2019 Live Music Lineup Announced!

Fluo Rida Lil Nas Vaxx, Chemtrail Brothers and more!

Moms at the Beginning of Summer Vs. Moms at the End of Summer

June: “Oh, no, you might have swimmer’s ear. Get in the car, we’ll go straight to urgent care!” August: “Use your other ear.”

CARTOON: Summer in the City

The train is coming! I swear I heard it, is it really here? I'm so weak. - Today's cartoon by Cerise Zelenetz

CARTOON: Yard Sale

If it's in the yard, it's for sale. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

Summer Camps for the Modern Child

Camp Anti-Vaxxer, Camp Smash the Patriarchy, Camp Climate Change Survival and more!

How To Succeed In Your Work Retreat Ice Breaker Games At Lake Manuwaka

Before we dive into our fun-packed rigid weekend itinerary –complete with SEVERAL trust-building exercises and virtually hundreds of opportunities to see the entire accounting team awkwardly wade into GORGEOUS lake Manuwaka in their saggy one-piece bathing suits—we’re going to start out with some fun, high energy ice breaker activities. So, leave your unmarked backpacks full of your business casual attire and valuables in that pile by the shore and come join us in the circle!

Truly Terrible Signs That Summer Is Definitely Here

All the ladies are wearing less clothing, allowing tantalizing peeks of cleavage and colostomy bags.

Plot Lines for the Next 8 ‘Toy Story’ Movies

Toy Story 6 (2025) Bonnie, now in her early twenties, introduces a new kind of toy to her closet. In a drama reminiscent of the 1995 original, our characters must compete with a new “Woody” and “Buzz” for Bonnie’s affection.

Hot New Summer TV Shows!

Pillow Talk - Talk show hosted by My Pillow weirdo Michael Lindell. Not sure if this series will go beyond this first episode, which seems to actually be an intervention in disguise, as a group of Mike's friends and family members corner him in an effort to wrestle away the pillow that he's forever creepily cradling. (A&E, Wed 9pm)

Seasonally Lukewarm Picnic Tips

You know those signs on the doors of convenience stores that read "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service"?   That same rule should be applied to picnics.   Pants, however, are completely optional.

Memorial Day Picnic Tips

Honor our fallen soldiers by eating mayonnaise-based “salads” that have been sitting in the sun all day. And more.

2019 Lollapalooza Act or Font

Ariana Grande, Lulo Clean, Childish Gambino and more 'Font Or Band'. Guys, Comic Sans was snubbed AGAIN.

How to Make Baseball More Exciting

Instead of having managers wear the team’s uniform, make them only wear leather. Raise the pitcher’s mound by 10 feet. And more.

Fun Summer Activities at U.S. Immigration Camp Internment!

Features: Bunk Buddies! — Gain the confidence of being…

13 Fun Things You Didn’t Know About Class Reunions

Brush up on the history of this strange custom before you attend…

Baseball’s State-of-the-Union

As the 89th annual Midsummer Classic is upon us, it’s that time again when baseball sizes up how to improve public perception and sales after the All-Star break, or really, the old-age question; “How do we draw more of today’s youth to the sport to fill more seats?”

Regional Variations on S’mores

There’s no snack more quintessentially summery than s’mores.…

Rough Start to Summer: A Lifeguard Has Ordered the Ocean Drained After a Whale Pooped In It

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Plus, it's gross.

Worst Vacation Roadside Attractions

Tovar's Wide World Of Raisins:   What seems initially to…


It's interning season and we asked you for your best #SadSummerInternTasks,…


We got geared up for the summer season and asked you for your…

Most Affordable Memorial Day Weekend Getaways

Everyone you know is going somewhere this weekend. So if you're…

Basic Cable, I have some questions.

After 19 months of winter, under self-imposed house arrest, it’s…

How to Keep Your House Cool This Summer

It’s almost summer, so you know what that means: Things are…

Baseball Terms Explained for the Non-Baseball Fan By Someone Who Definitely Knows Baseball Very Well

AB - Player saw  “a bat” SB - Player “saw” a “bat” BK…

Are You Hollywood Pansies Ready To Buy The Actionest Action Movie Of All Time?

Sup, bitches. Welcome to our pitch for the action movie-thriller-experience…

Mumford, No Son and 11 Other Discounted Bands Announce Spring/Summer Tours

In an effort to keep ticket prices down the recording industry…

Handy-Dandy Tips On Staying Safe From Shark Attacks

While swimming, find a shark and wrestle it to submission.  …

Tips For A Fun, Massacre-Free Backyard Barbecue

No need to be as lax as the US Govt's gun-purchasing policies.;…

The Summer of My Erotic Marxist Awakening

I suppose we were what you'd call an odd couple, Karl Heinrich Marx and me. After all, I was just a pimple-faced 16-year-old from Kenosha, WI, and he was the German revolutionary and theorist whose Communist Manifesto had forever altered the course of Western Civilization.