Benjamin Franklin Lives at Your Local TGI Fridays

You’re pounding down tater skins. Bubblin’ bacon bits going down easy as you watch b-ball on the big screen. It’s TGI Fridays, baby, and 2 pm is tater-skins-o-clock, but you ain’t buying this round, cuz Benjamin Franklin’s got his purse out and he’s slanging those doubloons.

Yeah, Benny Franklin. You know Benjamin? Big baldo who signed the Declaration of Independence? Ring a bell, dumb dumb? Yeah, Benny’s buying your tater skins, and pan seared pot stickers, cuz he’s hungries.

And you’re thinking, “Jeeze, how’d big baldo Benny Franklin get to TGI Fridays? Didn’t he go bye bye like three hundo years ago?”

Well, put a sock in it, dummy! Cuz Benny boy found a wormhole. You know, a break in time and space? Ring a bell, dumb dumb? Big baldo Benny Franklin popped out of the wormhole in the trashcan in the TGI Fridays handicap bathroom (cuz that’s where the wormhole is, dumbo) and he screamed, “thank god it’s Friday!”

So now, as you’re sitting at your table, boy oh boy, you better grab those pot stickers before Benny boy wolfs them down. Wolf! Wolf! Baldy Benny Franklin has the hungries. His toothless, gummy mouth sucking down pot stickers as he squeals to your waiter, Dale, to bring out some truffle tot-chos. You know, like nachos, except with tots? Get it, dumb dumb? Dale gets it, and he’s getting ‘em quick, cuz baldy Benny Franklin’s got those dumpty humpty hungries.

You think Benny boy’s pantaloons are big? Holy moly just wait ‘til those big ribs come sizzling out. Sizzle. Sizzle. TGI Fridays baby. Dale’s gonna have a cigarette sizzling in his mouth as he lugs out those plates of big ribs. Better nab ‘em quick, cuz Benny Franklin is gonna stuff all those big ribs in his gummy mouth. Sucking off that pork, cuz he’s a humpty hungry baldo.

Holy moly! Dale better keep those ribs coming! Cuz Benny’s buddies found out about the wormhole. You know, the one in the trashcan in the handicap bathroom? Ring a bell, dumbo?

Yeah, Benny’s buddies are coming. Georgie Washington and Tommy Jefferson. Popping out of that trashcan and screaming, “we want the crispy whiskey combo!” That’s a half-rack of sizzling whisky glazed ribs with some whiskey fried shrimp. Oh man. Now I’m gettin’ hungries!

Georgie Washington and Tommy Jefferson will be popping out their wooden teethies so they can stuff down those whiskey fried shrimpsies with Benny Franky boy. Slurpy slurpy from baldo and his buds and their gummie mouthsies.

And you’re thinking, “Jeeze, how am I supposed to watch the b-ball game with all that slurpin’?”

Get over it, dumpty dumb dumb! Cuz Benny Franklin’s squealing at Dale, and so are Georgie Washington and Tommy Jefferson, cuz these bumpy boys want their center-cut sirloins. That’s a half pound of thick sirloin cut thick through the center of the cut.

They’ll be stuffing down that meatsies and sweating. Getting those meat sweatsies. And the door to the handicap bathroom will be bursting open, cuz more of Benny’s pals will be popping out of the trashcan wormhole. Johnny Adams, Paul Reveresies, and that smelly Frenchie the Marquis De Lafayette, and that bozo General Cornwallis. They’ll be chanting, “whiskey glaze chicken slammers!” The waiter Dale better bring the slammers out quick for these bumpy boys!

Cuz they’ll be slamming their hands on the table, as baldo Benny Franklin tells Dale to bring out the cookie platter and the pumpkin spice cheesecake. Pumpky time! Pumpky! Pumpky! You’ll be stuffing down pumpky with Benny boy and the big boys, screaming, “thank god it’s Friday!”