Zillow Listing for Ted Cruz’s Special Place in Hell

Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people!

Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record.

Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun — this captivating 0 bed/0 bath amnesty-free detention center features alfresco security windows, freeze-dried pipes, and organic drinking water.

Highly targeted concierge service means waking each morning to a breathtaking trans-rectal ultra-sound. With a worry-free landscaped colon, you’ll be free to focus on the day ahead, caring for thousands of full-term babies. This non-transitional “closed concept” hideaway offers floor-to-ceiling walls and a breast-feeding shed for chaste Northern exposure of your busy nipples.

With remediated net neutrality, the home exudes the romance of yesteryear. Enjoy chef-grade, slow-cook Wifi in a main-level media room that doubles as home gym, limestone slab patio, and birth certificate certified jack-and-jill washroom.

With minimalist healthcare that’s totally exclusive toward you, experience leisurely visits to your physician, Dr. Google. The home provides panoramic views of your sumptuous weeping sores to fans as far away as Russia, thanks to complimentary and unlimited surveillance and data collection programs.

Sometimes situated on a rare corner lot downwind of Donald Trump’s estate, the home benefits from aromas of lavish galas he’s totally scot-free to host. But even if you were invited, how could you leave this childcare-free oasis? Low wages ensure a focus on the family. This refuge from the everyday stresses of literature and Big Bird will leave your kids free to rough-house with firearms located throughout the property.

Atmospheric add-ons to this timeless retreat include a virus lanai and a whine cellar.

New-build offers custom experience at this can’t-miss property! Live who you are in the palace of your own design!


“Facts” & Features:

Date of Completion: Jan 06, 2021

Heat: Combustible

Cool: No. Trying way too hard.

Community: Gated

School Funding: No

Fire Exits: No. It never does.

Security: Largely rhetorical

Foundation: Fact-free Originalism

Materials: Narcissism, Stucco, Grovel, Double Vanity, and Flexible Moral Alloy



Exterior features:

Ornamental border wall

Above-ground oil pipeline

Fracking cabana

Infinity Coal Pit w/gasoline misting system

Floodwater feature



Vote History of the Property:                                                                      Change in value

6/08/21: Paycheck Fairness Act: No                                                                          +666%

9/22/20: Ceremonial Resolution to Honor Ruth Bader Ginsberg: No                       +666%

6/20/16: Transfer of Firearms to Suspected Terrorists: Yes                                      +666%

4/30/14: Minimum Wage Fairness Act: No                                                               +666%

2/12/13: Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act: No                                    +666%

1/04/13: Hurricane Sandy Relief: No                                                                         +666%



Rental Income if leased to Lindsay Graham or Jim Jordan

Monthly Earnings: 1 pure soul + 4 live chickens


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Type of Loan Available



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Listing Agent of Darkness:

Waiting periods are intolerable! Preview your new home today, either in-person or via Zoom, an equally effective way to glimpse Hell.