Checklist For Things To Bring To Your Next Wedding Weekend
Six different pairs of socks, two dress, two casual, and two athletic because this time you’re definitely going running.
Flashcards with the couple’s names on them.
Flashcards with the couple’s parent’s names on them.
Jars of incense because you have unfortunately become that person.
Cologne you have gone nose-blind to but that one person once said smelled good six years ago.
Onyx gemstones that can not leave your person at any time.
Coiled up toothpaste in the back of vanity just waiting for this moment.
Flashcards with left and right hand directions on them.
Wedding card that is much more personal than your relationship with the couple would imply.
Stylish black button-down with black slacks and tan jacket combo, velvet black shoes without socks.
Blue suit with white shirt and red tie, brown shoes for when you inevitably lose your nerve about wearing the above.
Flashcards reminding you not to drunkenly namedrop King Tutankhamen
Shoes with a scuff mark you won’t notice until you lace them up on the day.
Gold necklace put into duffel bag and then removed from duffel bag just before heading out the door.
Rolls of linen soaked in resin for gaping chest cavity.
Your home television’s remote because you don’t like the way the one in the hotel feels.
A pot to collect the rice thrown during the recessional, save it for a late night meal after the reception.
Staff of Anubis to keep jackal god from claiming your pleasure filled heart when Dancing Queen comes on.
A portable speaker in case people come to your room and want to spill beer on your bed 5 minutes before the shuttle arrives.
A sense of romance and hope in order to fully appreciate the celebration of commitment and maturity that you yourself have rejected for years on the grounds of focusing on your career.
Ancient amulet that makes you appear 5000 years younger.
Tupperware with ham and cheese sandwich. You saw the menu.
Flashcards reminding you humans do not groan when they see succulent human skin ripe for the peeling.
Gift from registry, eh don’t bother checking this one, who would forget that.
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Zach Moser is a writer in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. He has written for McSweeney’s, Points in Case, Slackjaw, and The Weekly Humorist among other publications.
