Jokes My Sister Won’t Let Me Tell in a Toast at Her Wedding

It’s heartwarming to know that even in these tumultuous times, two people can still get married for tax purposes.

I knew the moment Dan took me to get a lap dance and gave the stripper a $100 tip that he would treat my sister like a queen.

It’s strange to think we’ll all be back here again before we know it, watching me and my future wife as we give a toast at Sophie’s second wedding.

Everyone is saying it’s a shame the bride and groom don’t have any friends to invite, but I think it gives the wedding a more intimate feel.

It’s really nice to see the extended family before the next funeral. Looking at you, Aunt Esther.

Jesus Christ, these centerpieces are ugly.

Today reminds me of the wedding scene in The Godfather: Everyone’s having a great time and nobody in the bride’s family trusts the groom.

Thanks so much for having a destination wedding in Ithaca, New York.

I never could picture Sophie getting married because she’s such a free spirit and racist.

I thought “Say My Name” was an interesting choice for the first dance.

It’s so romantic that despite living together for several years, the happy couple is waiting until tonight to finally see each other naked.

One thing is for sure: we know she isn’t marrying him for his money.

It’s too bad my dad’s parents couldn’t be with us for this special day, but it may be a blessing in disguise because they really would’ve hated Dan.

Am I the only person who thinks it’s a little suspicious that the ceremony didn’t include “speak now or forever hold your peace?”

When she was little, Sophie would often kill small animals for fun. There’s no joke here, I just want you all to know what we’re dealing with.

I’m looking forward to holidays with Dan’s family, sitting awkwardly as we try to avoid discussing anything other than how long it took us to get there and how long it will take us to get home.

Being in the wedding party is great because I can avoid relatives and then say “I’m sorry I didn’t get to spend time with you, I was just so busy!”

Seriously, who approved these centerpieces?

For all the ladies who noticed I didn’t bring a date, I’m staying in room 904 at the Holiday Inn and hit the hotel gym this morning.

Although it’s an interfaith marriage, it’s reassuring to know that they’ll at least spend eternity in Hell together.

This is a day my family will never forget. Sophie frantically grabbed me before walking down the aisle and told me that she’s my real mom and my mom is my grandma.