Contract Negotiation Demands of Clown Union Local #3835

We, the members of the National Brotherhood of Hoopwelders, Oysterpolishers, and Clowns Local #3835, hereby written in crayon on this thirty-two foot scroll, present our demands to MardiGras Casinos, Cruise & Resorts, LLC (referred to below as the Company).

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Compensation

A 6.5% increase in hourly compensation; pay must be delivered daily in a hard-sided, 1930s-style, brown-leather suitcase with a hair-trigger latch, in the form of unshelled peanuts.

 

Working Conditions

Before every work shift, no fewer than 2 (two) banana peels per clown must be strewn randomly on the workplace floor.

 

“Entrance of the Gladiators” must be played constantly, on the calliope, at a volume of no less than 60 decibels.

 

Work equipment

Company must supply, per shift per Clown, at least 1 (one) unicycle, 10 (ten) water balloons, and no fewer than 3 (three) whipped-cream-topped, 12-inch custard cream pies. All juggling pins must be standard, American Bowling Association (ABA) standard size. Upon employee request, Company to provide up to 3 (three) rubber chickens.

 

Medical benefits

The Company is required to provide at all times an on-site, Clown-certified emergency medical technician (EMT). Each EMT must be equipped with the proper medical equipment, consisting entirely of an over-sized head mirror, a non-operable stethoscope, and a two-foot gas-powered chainsaw. EMT is required to faint at presentation of patient symptoms.

 

Company-provided uniforms

Annualized inspections of rainbow suspenders, which must stretch at least 3 (three) feet forward beyond employee’s chest and/or back, and bounce back with force no less than 40 (forty) pounds per square inch.

 

Company-provided shirts and pants must be no smaller than 4 (four) sizes too large, may not match in color, and must have at least one superfluous patch per garment. Company-provided shoes, saddle-style, must be 6 (six) inches too long; one (1) shoe must have a hole in the sole through which socks are visible.

 

Company must provide at least one (1) lapel flower per clown. Lapel must squirt water no less than 24 (twenty-four) inches at a pressure of no less than 2fth20.

 

Work breaks

For each eight (8) hour work shift, each clown must be afforded at least 3 (two) crying breaks of no longer than one (1) minute each.

 

Mental Health

At every clown break, for each Clown, the Company must make available, tied together, in a chain no shorter than fifteen (15) feet, no fewer than twenty (20) multicolored handkerchiefs.

 

Work-related transportation coverage

No more than 1 (one) Company-provided automobile may be provided for fewer than every 17 (seventeen) clowns. Vehicle must be no larger than a 1949 Fiat. Steering wheel must detach from the drivetrain at random intervals. Horn: rubber. Maintenance: Deferred. Safety features: None.

 

Respectful workplace

Clowning is an honorable profession. Company officials will not demean employees by association, by referring to, as “clowns,” George Santos, Marjorie Taylor Greene, or any current or former members of the Trump administration.